A New Connection
by YahLiz
Summary: Castle and Beckett are together for almost a year when tragedy strikes. How will these two react when faced with new levels of despair and will the relationship they worked so hard to forge turn out to be too brittle to cope.
1. Chapter 1- Dreams and Daylight

A New Connection

**This is my first fanfiction. . .ever! Never done this before, so yeah, I'm starting out angsty. I'm good with angst. I've mapped out the story so it's just down to me writing it. Enjoy!**

Chapter 1- Dreams and Daylight

Richard Castle snorted himself awake with a violent shake of his head. His dream had been vivid, and although he no longer felt the rush of terror it still left him seeking comfort. Inhaling a deep breath and shaking away the fog of sleep, he reached over to the other side of the bed to find it empty. He huffed a sound of mild annoyance at only finding empty sheets and swung his feet of the side of his bed headed for the living room.

"Kate," he sleepily garbled as he entered the living space from his office; nothing but empty furniture greeted him. He stood in the doorway of his office confused, tired, and still stuck in a haze of almost asleep. His brain was sluggish as he started mapping out all the places that Kate loved to be in their loft. He did a quick scan of the bottom floor and slightly smiled to himself; _how could I have been so stupid_, he thought and made his way up the stairs careful to not make a sound.

He crept to the top of the stairs and made his way down the hallway. Walls adorned with photos of his family hung where book covers used to reside as he approached the last door on the left. Castle cocked a half smile as he saw the door ajar and could hear Kate's melodious whispers.

"You'll have your daddy's eyes, but don't worry, I'll help you perfect the eye roll. We'll practice all the time; we Beckett women have to stick together."

Castle nudged the door open and the small smile expanded into a full grin as he took her in. Kate Castle sat in a rocking chair with both hands on her slightly expanded stomach. He leaned his shoulder onto the door frame and watched her, he loved her like this.

"I'll braid your hair, and we can watch Beauty and the Beast. I'll teach you how to shoot your laser gun so we can tag team your dad and he'll never see us comin'," Kate cooed to her stomach as she rubbed her hands over the small bump.

"Oh, I see how it is," Castle whispered as he finally approached causing her to slightly jump as his voice broke her out of her reverie, "turning the baby against me already. That's not fair, Kate." He knelt beside her rocking chair and placed one of his hands on hers, his smile continuing to plaster his face.

"I don't play fair, Castle," she grinned, while her eyebrow arched to add to her suggestiveness causing a flutter in Rick's chest, "and I don't plan on starting now." She bent forward in the rocking chair and placed a kiss to his nose causing him to chuckle. He placed his other hand to the side of her face and took her in: all smiles and bright eyes, his Kate. She leaned her face into his palm and stared back, biting her lip as a slight blush crept into her cheeks. He felt a pull in his chest and hoped that she could see how much he loved her.

"So what are you doing up so early, Castle?" Kate asked as she broke their gaze and leaned back into the cushioned chair still holding his hand.

Rick's smile fell from his eyes and he tried to hide his moment of terror as his thoughts flitted to his dream. He thought she hadn't seen the change until she squeezed his hand. "Rick, what's wrong? You, okay?"

"Yeah," he started, as he stood up from his crouch still holding her hand, "just a bad dream." He squeezed her hand back for reassurance and she nodded. She stood up from the chair, not breaking their hands and together they walked from the soon-to-be nursery into the hallway.

"Anything you want to talk about?" she inquired adding a small swing to their hold as they descended the stairs.

"Not sure if I want to ruin your day this early in the morning," he mumbled as they padded into the kitchen. He brought their clasped fingers to his lips and kissed her knuckles before dropping his hand from hers to start breakfast.

Kate didn't reply but slid onto one of the stools placed at the outside of the island. She twisted her lips to the left, thinking, as he grabbed ingredients from the fridge.

"S'morelette?" he asked, leaning his head back from behind the refrigerator door. His cocky smile was back and it was joined with a popped eyebrow as he waited for her response. Kate gave him an irascible look and he chuckled as he grabbed eggs. He walked back to the stove with Kate still staring at him. Castle ignored her while he whipped the eggs in a small bowl while the pan he had just misted with cooking spray warmed.

"Not too much chocolate, more marshmallow," Kate grumbled half-heartedly annoyed with herself. Castle snorted out a laugh while he grabbed the Hershey's bars, Puff's marshmallows, and gram crackers out of the cupboard. "She's definitely _your_ daughter."

Castle's elation lingered as he fondly reminisced about the first time Kate had found out the baby loved s'morelettes and basked in the memory as he flipped and fitted hers just the way she liked it. "Here you go my loves, just for you."

She took a tentative bite as he came around the island to join her on a stool with his own finished morsel. _It shouldn't taste good_, she thought, but every time she bit down on the awkward eggy concoction on her fork she was greeted with the same pleasant rush of decadence. She let out a moan as her craving was satisfied, and savored her next bite, loving the contrast of the egg and the gram cracker. "She loves these," Kate confided.

Castle cut into his s'morelette and played with his piece with his fork. "Why do you keep using she, Kate?" He poked his chocolaty egg while she swallowed a particularly large bite.

"Just a dream I had last night," she responded trying to tie him back to his nightmare that jarred him so early in the morning. "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours."

He twisted his mouth as she watched him contemplating. It must have been bad. They've been through nightmares together, even night terrors when her PTSD was too much, but they always confided in one another. They used each other as a defense from the fear, and it was slightly alarming that he wouldn't share.

Finally he exhaled and put his fork down, "I've been having the same nightmare for months now, ever since you told me you were—well, pregnant." She looked at him adamantly as he tried to muddle through his thoughts. "I wake up and you're gone, just gone. The loft is empty and everything is dark. It's too cold, not like, the freezer cold, but like cold in my chest," he sputters, placing his open palm against his sternum, "I run through the loft yelling for you, just yelling and yelling and you don't answer, Kate – you just, you don't." His voice was jagged as he tried to stifle the sob had been building. _Damn it_, he tried to calm down, but even as he's describing it to her he can feel the cold building in his core. He can feel the fear. "I finally make it upstairs and there's only one room at the end of the hallway. I yell your name and I hear you sobbing, screaming, and I run to you," he looks up at her and she can see it in her head: his over-active imagination twisting the hallway to deepen the terror; her shattering screams as she begs for him to help her with whatever demon his mind has conjured for him to face. Kate puts her fork down and turns her body to face him, placing her hand on his leg for support while he finished his story. "Sometimes I get to the door, other times I wake up before I can reach you," he grabs her hand; it's like an anchor tethering him from being lost in his turbulent insanity. She rubs her thumb against his fingers. "When I get to the door your scream is blood curdling. I can't even describe it, and I'm very good with words, Kate." She lets out an exasperated sigh as he tries to alleviate the pressure for them both; it's how he copes, he makes her laugh.

She amuses him, "I know you are, Rick, don't think for a second you won me over with just your rugged handsomeness."

He popped his eyebrow again and retorted, "Now, Detective, are you admitting that I'm ruggedly handsome? I must warn you, I'm a married man, and my wife does not like to share." He ended with a light growl to his voice and it caused her to bite her lip.

She looked down as a blush crept into her cheeks again. She loved how he still made her feel like a teenager: all blushing and giggly at any sexual innuendo. She squeezed his hand, "So what's on the other side of the door?"

He returns the squeeze and continues, "If I get to the door sometimes it won't open, but if it opens—if it opens, it's different every time." He stopped to wet his lips. Her eyes settled in on the subtle movement, he really was nervous. "Well, it's almost different every time. There is a common theme: you're dead. Sometimes there are bullets riddled through your body—sometimes it's just one." Her hand twitched toward her chest where her scar puckered from her smooth skin. _Just one_, she lowered her head and bit her lip out of shame instead of sexual frustration. "Sometimes you look frozen, or you're strangled and laid out like you're sleeping—and last night. Last night you were just covered in blood. No hole or cuts, just blood and—and the baby was—"he couldn't. He let out his sob that he had been holding in since he woke up. Kate slid off of her stool and slipped in between his legs wrapping her arms around his neck while she tried to console him.

"No, Rick, shhh. It's okay. I'm not dead, I'm not dead. I'm sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry." She peppered kisses down his jaw to try and show him how apologetic she was. Wrapping her fingers behind his neck and nuzzling into his shoulder. He responded by wrapping his arms around her small frame burying his face into the bend at her neck letting her hair and shirt catch the tears that slid from his tired eyes. This is what they did, they were each other's pillars, able to only be stable for each other but never themselves.

"It's stupid," he mutters into her hair, "I know you're fine, that nothing's happened I just—you're all I've got. I can't lose you." He leans back and takes the side of her face in one of his hands. "You're all I've ever wanted, Kate." He leans in and kisses her. She knows it's not only out of love but also for reassurance. She responds by moving her lips against his and a light moan escapes from the back of his throat. Kate opens her mouth when his tongue glides against her bottom lip and she can taste the chocolate from his breakfast. He always puts too much chocolate in his. Their tongues glide and stroke each other in tandem as his hands move down to her sides and rub circles on her slightly jutting hip bones. She lets out a small chuckle and they break their breakfast snog, foreheads resting on each other.

"You taste good, Castle," she teases as she lightly rubs her hands up his arms.

"You too, Mrs. Castle." That makes her break out in a huge grin. "Kate, I told you mine," he reminds her as they put a few inches between them, "time for you to share with the class."

"Well," she starts, "mine isn't a nightmare, so I'm kind of glad you went first." They separate fully now, and she goes back to her barstool while he picks up his fork and continues eating his abandoned breakfast watching her as she continues. "I was in the hospital, I think, and I'm pretty sure I already had the baby." Her eyes got a faraway glaze as she tried to pick at the memory that was her dream. "Someone walks into the room, and when I looked at them they turn into my mom." She takes in a shaky breath, and Castle can see her playing with the ring around her neck, it's his turn to console. He moves his hand to her lower back and starts a light circular motion as she continues. "She's holding a bundle of blankets, and she comes up to the side of the bed all smiles. She leans the baby toward me and says, 'Katie, she looks just like you', and then I look into her arms and, Castle, she's got your eyes." Kate looks up at him and there is so much love radiating from his stare. His eyes are still red from his tears, but the blue is so vibrant and solid, the exact same color she remembers from her wonderful dream.

"Thank you, Kate," he whispers as he stands from his stool, wrapping her in another embrace. "Thank you for giving me something to dream about." His hand dropped to her abdomen and he let his hand rest proudly against her protruding bump.

"Always, Castle, always," she murmured as her lips met his.


	2. Chapter 2- Be Still

Chapter 2- Be Still

**Ok, here's the second chapter. I'd like to thank my kickin' beta-er moonbeamsandstarshine. Thank you so much for all you do, and I'm sorry that I'm writing this. I owe you one fluff fic, your prompt! Also, thank you for the reviews! It made my week getting so many emails. Sincerely, thank you guys. Love you.**

Kate sat at her desk and stretched, placing both her hands on her lower back and pressing her knuckles into the tight muscles at the base of her spine. Her body bowed and she felt a few vertebrae pop, but the light discomfort she'd felt since she had woken up persisted. _It must be from sitting all day_, she thought, _just gotta get used to being chained to a desk_. As she continued to stretch she rolled her neck and let out a sigh. This was it– this was desk duty.

She had been "reassigned", as Gates had so pleasantly put it, after she had started to show. What exactly had Gates said again? "No more kicking down doors, Detective, you're desk ridden." Kate had stormed out of Gates' office with Castle on her tail already severely annoyed.

"She's just trying to keep you safe; you and the baby," Castle had tried to advocate as he slid into his chair next to her work station.

"I can't do my job at a desk, Castle!" she had hissed at him, typing furiously on her computer, misspelling almost every word in her report which led to her being even more frustrated.

"Look, if you want, you can always be 'desk ridden' at home. I know I wouldn't object," Rick whispered as he brushed his hand up her outer thigh. Stifling a smile she had tried to blow off his sexual innuendo; so Castle.

Kate had rolled her eyes and retorted, leaning in, inches from his face, "That is no fantasy of mine. I like the idea of kicking down a door and finding you handcuffed to a bed, Rick." She had over annunciated the hard consonants in his name and bit the inside of her bottom lip. He had gulped as his pompous smile fell flat from her sultry voice; his eyes darting from her eyes to her lips. She had smiled as he stuttered with a come-back and patted his cheek.

"It's okay, Ricky, I don't mind leaving you speechless," she had chuckled as she stood up to fill her coffee cup; Castle still slightly stunned as she left him grasping for words.

Kate shook her head at the memory with a smile on her face, her eyes lingering at the empty chair next to her desk. That was almost two weeks ago; two weeks of paper pushing and what she had coined 'murder-board consulting'. It wasn't the same when she couldn't interrogate or interact with the people under investigation. _At least I can go to non-confrontational crime scenes_, she thought as she stood from her chair to make her way to the murder board. A few steps from her desk Kate felt a pull on her back and a light cramp roll through her lower body. She stopped and placed a hand on her slight baby bulge. She let out a gasp from surprise more than pain and paused breathing through the twist from what she assumed was her uterus. The pain was gone before her mind could really wrap around what had happened.

"Yo, Beckett, you okay?" Esposito inquired as he walked from around the corner with the files he had went to procure in hand. She had been married for almost a year, but they all still called her Beckett.

"I'm not sure yet, Javi," Kate replied as she patiently waited to see if anything else was going to happen. "I'm not sure what I just felt."

Esposito walked up to her, setting his files down on his desk as he passed, a look of honest concern on his face, "Do you want me to call Castle, or Lanie?"

Kate shook her head still tentative to move, "No, Castle has meetings with his publisher today, and I think I just pulled something from standing up too quickly."

Esposito walked over to her and offered his hands, "Here, let me help you back to your chair at least." She shook her head, not sure if she was ready to move.

"No, I've got it," she firmly stated, more for her than for Esposito, "I don't need everyone freaking out every time my body decides it's going to do something new during this pregnancy." She looked around the precinct at the other officers puttering about their business; no one seemed to have noticed her moment of weakness.

Esposito retracted his hands and held them up taking a half step back, "Alright, I can see that my services are no longer required." She bit back a smile and slid her hand away from her abdomen. When the pain didn't return she walked back to her desk and eased herself into her chair; Esposito nonchalantly watching her out of the corner of his eye for any signs of discomfort. All the men in her life were ridiculously over protective.

She sat at her desk for a few more minutes not focusing on what she was reading. Kate's mind was everywhere, and she had read the same sentence at least five times in this report but still couldn't tell you a single thing about what the stomach contents of the victim were. She looked down at her watch and realized it was close enough to five that her leaving wouldn't be an issue. "I think I'm out for the day, Espo," she stated as she rose from her chair and carefully grabbed her coat.

Esposito gave her a quick once over, "Alright, see you in a few. I've got some more files to pull together before I head over for poker night." Kate rolled her eyes, how had she forgotten about poker night?

"Are Ryan and Lanie coming?" she asked.

"Lanie is, but I think Ryan is staying home with Jenny," Esposito answered, "she's got him whipped good." He emphasized whipped by mimicking one with his hand.

Kate smiled, "Okay, see you in a few then." She turned and walked to the elevator that would take her to her car, and from her car home.

* * *

"Bam, said the lady!" Castle delightfully squealed as he laid his cards on the table: straight flush. A groan was expelled communally from the group as cards were thrown into the middle and Castle gleefully racked in his chips from the center. Kate was the only one who had folded and she smiled at Esposito and Lanie's faces; they were so frustrated.

"Man, can't catch a break tonight," Esposito grumbled as he shuffled the cards and prepared to deal.

"Luck of the draw, my friend, just the luck of the draw," Castle flamboyantly explained in a very Martha Rodgers-esque fashion.

Kate scoffed, and stood up from the table to refresh her drink, "You just need to memorize his tells, Espo." Castle frowned and turned to watch her leave the table as she ambled into the kitchen to get more pineapple juice.

"I do not have any tells!" Castle yelled as he turned back around and scowled behind the new cards that Esposito had dealt him. Lanie gave Esposito a glare as he tried to look at her hand.

"Keep your eyes on your own hand, Javi!"

"Let me get a peek, we can team up and get Castle."

"Uh-uh, I am not cheating to beat Castle; you're on your own."

"Laaaaaaanieeeee," Javier whined.

Kate shook her head and smiled, listening to the cacophony of voices in the other room. She poured her juice into the wine glass that Castle had started her night off with. "Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you can't drink out of a fancy glass," he had told her earlier.

"Kate, dear, can you bring me another chilled glass of the Moscato that Richard brought home last week?" Martha called from the poker table.

"Sure thing, Martha," Kate responded, setting her glass on the counter and grabbing a chilled wine glass from the freezer. She walked over to the wine cabinet and took out the Moscato d'Asti that Martha had requested. She poured a liberal amount and placed the bottle back in the cupboard as her husband's voice rose above the others.

"Kaaaaate, I do not have any tells!" Kate rolled her eyes and she grabbed her glass making her way through the kitchen.

"Rick, you do this thing with your fingers—"but she stopped. A sharp pain caused her to double over onto the edge of the kitchen's island. Kate choked on a sob and clattered Martha's drink back onto the counter as her hand left the glass and found its way to her slightly engorged belly.

"I do a lot of things with my fingers, Kate," Castle responded salaciously as another roll of pain hit her, "you'll have to be more specific."

"Rick—"Kate hissed through clenched teeth. Her body shook from the pain shooting through her abdomen. "Rick, oh god." Kate dropped her glass and it shattered on the floor as she used her other hand to claw at the counter.

"Kate?"

"Beckett?"

Kate heard the scraping of chairs and the movement of bodies as she tried to stay standing as another stabbing pain cleaved through her. Tears traced down her face while she clutched at the island and at her body. Rick was the first into the kitchen and his eyes trailed from the spilled juice to Kate struggling to stand. He rushed forward, ignoring the glass shards that littered the floor, and reached his wife. She clung to him and squeezed his shirt in her fists. "Rick, the baby—the baby," she sobbed into him.

"Mother, call 9-1-1," he barked as he picked up Kate and brought her to a chair in the living room near the kitchen.

"Yes, of course," Martha started as she turned back to her phone that was left on the poker table. Kate clung to Castle as Lanie rushed forward trying to help her distraught friend.

"Kate, where does it hurt? What kind of pain is it?" Lanie asked as Castle got her situated on the plush chair. Kate whimpered as he unclenched her hands from his shirt. He took her hands in his and kissed them as she squeezed through more pain.

"It feels like I'm being stabbed, Lanie. Stabbed right near the baby," her voice caught as her adrenaline filled mind couldn't help but wander to her mother. Stabbed, left to die, baby, dead: all rushing through her mind at once until it became a convoluted storm of consternation causing her to weep more. She gasped for air as her sobs racked her body, closing her eyes and leaning her head back into the chair.

"Can I help? Can I get anything?" Esposito asked; he looked so lost. Lanie looked up at him with a mix of pity and anguish.

"Get Kate some water and I might need towels, I'm not sure what's happening but I want to be ready," Lanie stated as she started to feel around Kate's lower abdomen. Esposito dashed into the kitchen as Lanie crouched next to Kate and moved her hands from her abdomen to her knee. "It's okay, girl, you're going to be just fine; you and Castle junior." Kate tried to smile through her sobs and she gave a quick squeeze to Castle's hand that she already held in her vice-grip.

Martha reappeared into the living room clutching her phone to her chest, "The paramedics are on their way," she trialed off as she approached Kate on the side next to Lanie. She brushed a strand of hair behind Kate's ear as tears shone in the older woman's eyes, "It'll be okay, kiddo, it'll be okay."

"Here!" Esposito belted as he panted back into the living room, "Lanie, here, here are your towels and Kate I got you water. I got—I got the water." He thrust the towels over to Lanie and tentatively held the glass to Kate as she reached out to take it from him, fingers violently shaking.

"Thank you, Javi," Kate whispered as she took the glass and brought it to her lips. The icy liquid left a chilled trail down her throat and it felt oddly calming. She handed the cup back to Esposito who took it from her quickly and placed it on the coffee table. There hadn't been any new pains in quite a few minutes so Kate released Castle's hand and slowly sat up terrified that any swift movement would cause the pain to shoot through her again.

"Javi, why don't you go wait down in the lobby and direct the paramedics?" Lanie suggested as Esposito looked away from Kate to stare at her.

"Yeah, I'll go help them, if—if something happens come get me, 'kay?" He stated to no one in particular as he left the apartment and headed for the lobby.

It was grueling waiting for the paramedics. Castle clutched Kate's hands and played with the material of her shirt, while Lanie sat next to Kate's chair and rubbed her knee assuredly. Martha had left to call Alexis and Jim while Esposito was pacing in the lobby of their building probably texting Ryan. Kate let out a stuttered breath and closed her eyes. Since Castle had assisted her into the chair she hadn't had any new tremors. Although the pain had subsided, Kate continued to cry. She had quieted her sobs, but now silent tears escaped her eyes as her psyche continued to acclimate to her situation. All of the worst possible scenarios were running through her mind and yet she found herself thinking: _Castle's brain must be on overdrive, _and Kate would have been right.

Castle kept his face passive. Kate kept glancing at him and he didn't want to scare her more by showing his terror, so he played it like a game of poker: calm face, tremulous mind. There had been few times in his life where he cursed his writer's imagination and this was definitely one of those days. Images of Kate writhing on the floor, screaming in agony, gasping for breath, holding sheets covered in blood, all of it tumbled through his mind as his fingers twitched over the fabric of her shirt. Kate moved one of her hands and placed it over his fingers.

"That's your tell," she whispered to him, looking into his eyes and seeing nothing but sheer horror, "your fingers always give you away." Castle's mask broke as he choked on a sob, his eyes brimming with tears. He was about to respond when Esposito and two paramedics burst through the door.

"I got'm! They're here, we're okay," Esposito gasped as the paramedics swarmed around Kate bringing a gurney close to the chair.

"Mrs. Castle we're going to help you onto the gurney and get you over to the hospital. Are you ready to move?" One of the paramedics asked as a light was shone into Kate's eyes and a blood pressure cuff was attached to the upper part of her left arm. Kate nodded her head as they examined her.

"Yeah, yeah I'm—I'm ready. Just, please, be—I just don't want it to hurt anymore and I want my baby to be—"Kate broke. Her entire body seemed to be trembling, and she couldn't focus without the peripherals of her visions blurring. Castle had never seen this Kate, and he was willing to bet the last time she had even been remotely like this was when Detective Raglan gave her and her father the news about her mother's death. This was nineteen my-mother-was-viciously-stabbed-in-an-alley Kate Beckett, and he had no idea how to help her.

"Kate, Kate, honey, it's okay. They're going to take you to the hospital to check on the baby and to make sure you're alright. It's okay." Castle responded as he tried to calm his wife.

Kate slammed her eyes closed as she felt her body being raised by the two paramedics. They gently placed her on the gurney and started to buckle her in. When her body didn't respond from the change in position she allowed herself a moment of reprieve, until she heard Martha's sharp intake of breath. Kate's eyes flew open as she tried to sit up to see what had caused Martha's startled gasp.

"What?! What is it?" she pleaded as the paramedics tried to force her to lie down.

"Mrs. Castle, please, the faster we get you to the hospital—"

"Martha! What, is it? What happened?"

Rick walked forward and grabbed her hands and put on his most reassuring smile. "It's going to be okay, Kate. We're going to be okay." Kate felt her heart drop, as they wheeled her out of her home toward the elevator. She closed her eyes and started to cry again as the elevator doors closed around her, her husband, and the two paramedics; her husband whose smile didn't reach his eyes.

Lanie held Martha in her arms as the older woman started to shake. Esposito placed his hand on Lanie's back to try and show her some comfort.

"Come on," he broke the silence, "I'll drive."

Esposito held onto Martha and helped her out of the apartment as Lanie went back to the poker table for her purse. As she walked toward the door that Esposito was holding open she stopped and turned back to the chair that Kate had recently occupied. Picking up the towels from the floor, she placed them on the chair before returning to the door. Tears stained her cheeks as she closed the loft and headed to Espo's car.

All was now silent in the Castle loft where so recently there had been merriment and celebration. The cards were still left on the poker table as if their owners would return and laugh about Kate's horrible practical joke. Martha's wine glass had lost its chill and stood in a nest of condensation while Kate's glass lay shattered on the floor; and the once pristine towels that Lanie Parish had so delicately placed on the chair that Kate had resided in now absorbed the moisture pooled underneath them, slowly turning them a deep ominous red.

**Author's note: Oh glob, I love you, I'm sorry. You can find me on tumblr if you want to, I don't know. I blog a lot of Castle and I'll probably start taking requests for small one shots if anyone has any. Whatevies, here it is though if you want it: Lots of hugs – Liz **


	3. Chapter 3- Breathe

Chapter 3- Breathe

**Ok, so this chapter was harder to write, not sure why, but I got it! I've never done anything like this before, so I'm not sure what the update expectancy is so I'm trying to get something to my beta reader, moonbeamsandstarshine, once every few days so I have time for edits and final approvals. I'll probably upload that fluff piece I owe her in a week or so, not sure yet but I'll let you know when it's done. Anywhosie, enjoy! 3 -Liz**

Castle couldn't seem to catch his breath. His chest just wouldn't expand to accommodate the air he desperately craved and it left him silently gasping. His heaving was causing a cramp to permeate under his chin and it restricted the top of his throat. The only sound he could focus on was the persistent tapping of his heel on the hard tile of the Bellevue waiting room that he found himself in. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. His impatient foot was almost keeping pace with his heart. He expelled a jagged sigh and pressed his fingers into the crease of his eyes near the bridge of his nose, and all he could think about was Kate.

"Mr. Castle?" He opened his eyes to see an exhausted nurse with a kind face. She was holding out a clipboard to him and he didn't understand how she knew his name. "Are you Richard Castle, husband to Katherine Castle?"

"Y-yes, yes I am!" he stood too quickly and almost fell as his tapping foot shook violently. "God, where is she? Is she alright, no one has said anything since I got here!"

"Mr. Castle, I can assure you the doctors here will treat her to the best of their ability, but I have some paperwork that I need you to fill out for her admittance," She slowly handed him the clipboard and tried to reassure him with her calm demeanor, "Once you've completed the forms, or if you have any questions, you can find me at the nurses' station around the corner." Rick allowed her to help him back into his chair with a sympathetic smile that did nothing to quell the storm in his mind.

"Yeah, I'll-I'll get these done. Can you tell me anything? Her room number?" he pleaded as he gripped her hand in desperation.

She covered the hand that grasped hers, "I'm sorry Mr. Castle, I don't have any particulars about your wife's case. I'll see if I can find anyone who can get you some more information, alright?"

His grip relaxed and she pulled away, "Thank you," he murmured, his eyes falling to the paperwork in front of him. "Oh, ma'am, what if I don't know some things? Do I just—"

"Just fill them out to the best of your ability, Mister Castle." He nodded as she walked away and his eyes flitted back to the clipboard. _His wife's case_, his mind repeated as a shiver accompanied his thought. _The implication from case is that of death and murder,_ and if he kept on this train-of-thought he was going to pass out! He needed a distraction. Taking the pen from the top of the board he slowly and methodically filled out the information; reading it aloud at a snail's pace to clear his mind.

"Name—of—patient, "he over annunciated the t and distinctly paused between each word before writing in Kate's name, "Katherine—Houghton—Castle." His breathing had become a bit more regular as he continued to fill out Kate's paperwork. He ran his hand through his hair as he flipped the sheet over to answer the medical questions on the back.

"Richard?" Castle looked up to see his mother at the end of the hallway with Esposito and Lanie close behind. "Richard, oh kiddo, are you alright?" She wrapped her arms around him as he stood to be encased by his mother.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he answered as he wrapped his arms around her, reciprocating the hug, "I just don't know where they took her."

Martha pulled back and placed her hand on the side of his face, eyes glossy and red, "She'll be fine, Richard. She's made of tough stuff! Our Kate will be just fine." He smiled into her hand.

"Thank you, Mother."

"Yo, Castle, Ryan's on his way in, I called him on our way , and I left Beck—Kate's dad a voicemail, I'm pretty sure he's on his way, too," Esposito informed him as he walked up and placed his hand on Rick's shoulder.

"Thanks, Espo, I didn't even—I can't believe I didn't call anyone… I'm going to get a hold of Alexis and let her know where we are in case she wants to come in too," Castle spoke as he fumbled for his phone, dropping the clipboard he was still hanging onto.

"Here," Martha swept in and grabbed the clipboard from the floor, "you keep filling this out and I'll call Alexis. She sounded extremely concerned when I called before, so I'm sure she'll want to come down." Martha took out her phone and walked around the corner to find a quieter area to place her call.

Rick nodded his head and sat back down to keep filling out Kate's papers. He filled out a few more lines about allergies when he felt a hand rub his shoulder. He looked up to see Lanie sitting next to him trying to hold it together.

"I have to go," she whispered trying not to cry, "I've been on call and they need me at a scene." He nodded as Lanie tried to stop the tears, but one escaped down the left side of her face. "Just—just call me when you hear something about our girl, okay?" Rick leaned forward and wrapped Lanie in a hug.

"As soon as I know anything, I'll call you," he replied into her ear. She nodded her head, still trying to stop the tears, which just caused her to frown. Slowly he released her and she stood to hug Javi. Castle let out the breathe he didn't even realize he was holding and went back to scribbling in Kate's information.

Esposito had left to walk Lanie out when Rick's hand twitched and he dropped his pen, letting it roll under his chair. His face paled as his fingers trembled over the last section on the sheet: Woman's Health. Bile rose to the back of his throat and he fumbled to make it to the trash can across the waiting room floor. As he retched into the bin, new tears trekking down his face as his body was racked with sobs and heaves. _Oh, god_.

"Richard! What happened? I was gone for two minutes, did someone come in? Oh, god, is it Kate?" Martha fired off questions as she came back from calling Alexis.

Rick grabbed a Kleenex from the table next to him and wiped his mouth, "No, I still haven't—no, that's not why I'm—" he fumbled over his words as his chest constricted. "No one has come to talk to me yet," he finally got out.

"Then what is this then," she motioned to his body and the trash can, "getting sick in a waste bin? This isn't nothing, Richard." Martha gulped as she rubbed up and down his arm.

"It's her paperwork, Mother. I don't know—I can't answer a question," Rick sobbed as he finally felt the trail of tears burning down his face.

"Kiddo, that's alright, when we find Kate she can help fill in any blanks, it's not that big of a dea—".

"Yes, it is!" Rick thundered, pushing away from his mother and walking back to the clipboard on the floor, "Look at this! Tell me this isn't a big deal!" He could do angry. Angry meant he didn't have to be rational, and he could yell at his poor mother who had done nothing but try and help him. He could scream and cry, and cause a scene because his wife was in urgent care and no one was helping him! Angry meant his mind couldn't run rampant about morose outcomes, and anything, at this particular moment, was better than that!

Martha took the clipboard gently that Richard had thrust in her face and read through the back part of the sheet. "Richard, please don't take his out on me. I'm trying my best to—" she stopped and placed her fingers to her lips to suppress her gasp.

"Now tell me again, Mother, that it isn't a BIG DEAL!" He hissed.

"Richard Castle?"

"What—oh," Castle began to snap but faltered when he saw the woman behind him in the white doctor's coat. His anger vanished and the grief set back into his core. _Kate_.

"Hi, Mr. Castle, my name is Doctor Lynn, I'm here to talk to you about your wife."

* * *

Rick slowly pushed open the door to his wife's room. She looked so peaceful sleeping soundly with her mouth slightly open causing a low whistle every few exhales. He closed the door and pushed a chair closer to her bed so he could touch her. He rubbed his thumb over the smooth ridges of her knuckles reveling in the feel of her. This is all he needed for now because, like this, she couldn't ask him what had happened, and until he had to really acknowledge what he had been told, he could ignore the last section of her forms and just take pleasure in rubbing her hand.

A soft knock penetrated the silence of Kate's room and Alexis poked her head around the side of the door.

"Dad? Can I come in?" Alexis asked. Rick stood up and walked out so as not to wake Kate, and clutched Alexis to his chest.

"Thank you for coming, Pumpkin," he whispered, kissing her forehead.

"Oh course I came, Dad! You and Kate are all I've really got besides Gram, and I can't just abandon you guys. Besides, you need someone to keep your mind at ease until Kate wakes up, and I've got years of practice," she smiled up at him and he hugged her closer.

"I'm already feeling better with you here, thank you." He held her for a bit more, adding a slight rock to their hug and then he slowly eased his hold on her. From over Alexis's shoulder he noticed that his mother was watching them from a seat outside Kate's door. She clutched the clipboard to her chest and let the tears dance down her face with grace. _That fucking clipboard_.

Alexis took a half step back and looked quizzically at her dad, "Dad, did the doctor tell you something about Kate?"

He swallowed and looked at Alexis, his face completely still and calm, "Nothing specific yet, Lex." It wasn't really a lie, yet it wasn't a solid truth either.

Castle pinched the bridge of his nose, closed his eyes, and clenched his jaw. Kate was alive, that's all he needed right now. Everything else would be okay. _Except the – __**NO**_! He took in a large gulp of air and slammed his eyes open. He would NOT let his mind wander!

"I need—a drink," he sighed, "Can I get you anything, Mother? Alexis?"

Martha shook her head, afraid that opening her mouth would cause her to sob, and Alexis responded with a, "No, thank you I'll stay with Gram until you get back". Castle walked back around until he found the nurses' station and asked for directions toward coffee. The nurse gave him the location of a small break room where he could find a coffee pot and he thanked her to the best of his apathetic ability.

Returning with a paper cup full of tolerable coffee he was met with the concerned faces of Esposito and Kevin Ryan. Castle tried to give them a 'it's not that bad' smile, but it seemed that he was only able to lie with spoken words. "Hey, Ryan, thanks for making it down, I'm sure if Kate were awake she'd appreciate it."

Ryan gave a half-cocked smile and rustled his hand through his hair, "You're welcome, Castle, it wasn't that big of a deal, she's like my sister. I had to make sure she was okay, ya' know?" The sincere concern in his voice caused Castle's chest to compress again.

Esposito walked up to Castle and turned him slightly away from the group bringing him slightly farther down the hallway. "Hey, has anyone said anything about, you know, the baby?" Castle's perfected poker face veiled his tumultuous mind; it was real now, he couldn't ignore it anymore… it wasn't fiction. He parted his mouth to answer even as his last threads of sanity screamed for him to be silent.

"We uh, we—"

"Excuse me," the group turned around to see an orderly walking around doing rounds. He looked slightly annoyed with them as he continued, "This is the recovery floor, there are only two people allowed per patient after eight p.m. I'm sorry, but some of you are going to have to check out."

Castle gaped at the twenty-something orderly wanting to punch him and thank him for interrupting. Alexis stepped in and diverted her dad's attention, "Sorry about that, we'll get out of your hair." She turned around and gave a small smile to her dad then looking over at Ryan, "Detective Ryan, thank you for coming down, I'm sorry that we're being kicked out."

"Na, it's no big deal, I'm just glad she's okay. She is okay, right?" he asked Castle.

"Yeah, she's fine, just sleeping." Rick whispered. If they kept asking, he was going to break. He had to get them out.

"Alexis, Mother, would you mind going back to the loft? I want to be alone with Kate if that's alright."

Martha looked at him, her face all-knowing but she kept her composure; the mark of an esteemed actress. "Of course, Richard, Alexis and I will be back in the morning." Martha stood and walked up to him. She slowly handed him the clipboard. "Take care of our girl," she whispered to him, her bottom lip quivering. He slowly nodded and gave her and Alexis a quick squeeze before they turned and walked down the hall arm-in-arm.

Ryan walked up and clapped him on the back, "If you need me or Javi just give us a ring, right, Javi? We'll come runnin'." He gave Castle a small smile and Castle returned it instead of opening his mouth in thanks. Ryan stepped aside and Esposito grabbed his hand and brought him in for a hug.

"If anything changes let me know. You may have married her, but she was our girl first," he teased. Esposito pulled away and he and Ryan made their way back down the hall. Castle wiped his eyes with the hand not holding the clipboard, standing in the middle of the hallway weeping.

The orderly returned back to the hallway from the room across from Kate's and awkwardly approached Castle. "Excuse me, sir. If you're done with those I can take them to the nurses' station for you."

Castle looked him over, "Yeah, that'd be great, thanks." He extended the clipboard to the orderly but then retracted his hands. "Uh, can I borrow a pen, there's one section I still need to fill out real fast."

"Oh, of course," the orderly fumbled in the front pockets of his scrubs and brought out a black BIC pen. Castle slowly accepted it, and looked down at Kate's papers. With a final sob he slowly checked the appropriate box and handed the clipboard and pen to the awaiting man's hands.

"Thanks," Castle choked out and turned abruptly toward Kate's room and let himself in.

"You're welcome," the orderly retorted, slightly put off by the other man's seemingly rude exit. He looked down at the clipboard, there were small specs of water that had begun to absorb into the paper; they must have been the rude guy's tears. The orderly wiped his hand across the page and placed the clipboard on top of his medicine round's cart, not noticing that his swipe had smudged a box on the sheet. A very important box that had been put off until reality could no longer be ignored by a writer so enthralled by worlds of fantasy. A box that had torn out Richard Castle's heart and would soon do the same to his sleeping wife. A simple box that was labeled under the Woman's Health section of the sheet for female patients; a box that guilelessly stated: Not Pregnant.

**Author's Note: Oh goodness, what have I done?! Please don't hate me I promise it'll be worth it! 3 P.S. Happy Castle Monday!**


	4. Chapter 4- And Just Like That

Chapter 4- And Just Like That

**Thank you all so much for the reviews and the follows. I do a little happy dance every time I see an email pop-up on my phone. You all make my day! As always, a huge thank you to moonbeamsandstarshine, my beta tester and frequent reminder-er that I am a terrible person for putting Marlowe's characters through this. ILU, too.**

Kate could hear a baby crying, a soft but needy whimper. She pressed the back of her head farther into the pillow furrowing her brow into the start of an annoyed frown. _Shut it up_, she thought, _I'm tired_! She shook her head trying to stay asleep, but the cry was getting louder, or closer, she couldn't place it. Begrudgingly, Kate slowly cracked open one of her eyes and instantly regretted it; the room was too bright. She clenched her eye shut again and moaned as a dull pain started to pulse in the center of her forehead, and then she heard the crying again. It was easier to focus on it now that she was awakening, and as she listened she realized it wasn't a baby, it was just a higher pitched sob. _Uh, please stop_, Kate thought, _the baby and I are trying to _–

_Baby_.

_BABY_!

Kate let out a shrilling gasp as she bolted up in her hospital bed. Her eyes darted frantically around the room as her hands clutched at her bedding. Everything was still too bright. She blinked through her hyperventilating panic and tried to focus on the faces she recognized in the room. Rick was there, it looked like he had been holding Alexis who seemed to be the owner of the cries she had heard earlier. Martha had her hand on Alexis's back in what must have been some reassuring gesture, and Jim Beckett was looking up at her from his chair in the corner. No one moved as they stared at her, momentarily startled by her sudden action until she started to cry. Her entire lower body pulsed with a dull ache and her head pain had flared to life in her abrupt wake-up. Kate sincerely couldn't place which emotions were responsible for the tears, her mind was reeling between agony and contempt, but as they descended her face she realized that they all held the same meaning: pain. Rick fumbled over to the right of her bedside, while Jim picked up his chair and placed it to her left. Martha and Alexis stood slightly away, Alexis burying her face in Martha's shoulder while Martha rubbed her back and tried to calm her. Kate sobbed, trying to catch her breath, honestly not wanting to know why all of her family was so forlorn, and dreading to know the reality of her situation.

"Rick, the baby. Rick, what—is she—", she couldn't get her words out. It was a choice between being coherent or breathing.

Rick grabbed her hands and squeezed them, "Kate, they tried everything," she could see through his mask, could tell that he was dying inside, and she was slowly joining him, "but, the baby—we lost it, Kate." She lost it—her. The baby. The realization left Kate stunned, mouth gaping, taking in small gasps that punctuated her breathing mimicking that of a dying fish. Her inhales were jagged and punctured by a small choking sound from the back of her throat. She curled forward trying to stop the pressure that now radiated from her sternum. Pulling her legs into her, she retracted her hands away from Rick and cocooned into herself; her arms wrapped around her legs as she brought them up to her body to bury her face between her knees. Rick started to mumble something, but she couldn't hear him. Her head was completely blank while her conscious mind tried to protect her psyche from shattering. The pressure in her chest was building, and she felt like she was being crushed; drowning in a sea of incomplete thoughts. Finally she broke.

Castle sat there watching his wife come apart. She screamed and sobbed into her knees, clutching at her legs to try and bring them closer to her body. In his peripheral he saw Alexis give a small startled jump as Kate wept. She was trembling through her cries, and he reached out to comfort her, desperately needing to feel her, if only to reassure himself.

"Do not touch me!" she bellowed through her lament as she flinched from his extended hand, "Do. Not. Touch. Me." She saw his breath hitch as he quickly retracted his arm. She knew her rejection of his comforting embrace hurt him, but apathy had begun to creep forward in her despair, and she honestly was repulsed by the idea of physical contact. "Get out, please. Everyone just leave me alone for a bit."

"Katie, please," her dad started.

"Dad," it came out venomous, and almost dripping with anger, as she tried to hide her oncoming depression. She tried to not yell, but the longer they stayed in the room the harder it was to keep herself calm, "please leave. I can't—just go." She looked up at him and felt nothing. She was empty.

They all looked shocked, not expecting to be kicked out in a time of desperate need. Martha was the first one to rouse from the exclamation and began to move toward the door, Alexis still in her grasp.

"We'll be right outside the door whenever you're ready, kiddo," Martha insisted as she opened the door and ushered Alexis through. Kate didn't even look up.

Jim stood from his chair and looked torn between trying to hug her and just leaving. His body hitched forward toward her and she practically hissed at him to stay away from her.

"Just leave, Dad. Please go," was her sharp retort.

Walking away from her bed he muttered to her, "Please don't do this again, Katie. Don't go back behind the walls that you built when you mother died." Kate felt a pang in her heart, but ignored him. He waited for a response, and when none was issued he joined Martha and Alexis in the hallway. Castle didn't move.

"Kate, please don't do this. Don't push me away," he pleaded, keeping his hands to himself, but wringing them together in his need for comfort. "We need each other. I can't—I can't do this without you, not this time." She slowly raised her head, staring him down from behind her knees. She couldn't feel anything; even when she looked at her husband she felt nothing.

"I need a minute, Castle. Just give me a minute." Her monotonous tone sent a shiver through him. He clamped his lips in frustration instead of biting back at her, and shoved out of his chair, threw open the door, and stormed out.

* * *

It had been an hour, almost an hour and a half, since she sent everyone away. Castle kept pacing in front of her door unable to sit still long enough to get comfortable in a chair. He was reeling with anger and fueled by his reserves of abandonment and guilt. He had just—THEY had just lost their baby, he needed her! Alexis and Martha had muttered something about coffee, which had left him and Kate's dad alone in the hall, when Jim came up behind him and placed a steady had on his left shoulder snapping him out of his crazed reverie.

"Go inside, Rick, she needs someone, and quite frankly I think you're wearing a hole in the tile outside her door." Jim quipped through a small smile trying to lighten the mood.

Rick let out a shaky exhale and responded, "I honestly wouldn't know what to say, and I think that's what scares me the most. I'm a writer, Jim and I can't give her anything to alleviate this pain," He rubbed the heel of his palm over his right eye and wiped the tear that had started to form into his sideburn bringing his hand to rest on the side of his head, "Where do I even start?"

Jim let out a long sigh and walked around to stand in front of Castle, placing his other hand on his right shoulder, "You start by going in there and being there for her. Don't let her do this alone, neither of you will be able to survive that. She was alone when her mother died, and alone when she was shot, don't make my mistakes, they will haunt you." Castle swallowed hard and nodded his head at the only father figure he'd ever had. If they were going to get through this, they had to start somewhere, and they had to do it together.

Jim dropped his hands from Castle's shoulders and Castle gave him a weak smile. Rolling his neck from side to side, feeling the tense muscles stretch, Rick straitened his shoulders and faced Kate's door. The glaring numerals 1047 marked his wife's room and it intimidated him as he tentatively placed his palm on the handle. _Please don't send me away_, was the last thought through his mind as he gingerly entered to tend to his partner.

* * *

Kate didn't need to look up to know who had entered. Her whole body seemed to respond to his presence in her vicinity, and it used to give her a quelling sense of peace; today it brought a heavy sense of finality. She had maneuvered herself to the top right corner of her bed, bringing one of her pillows around to the front of her body squeezing it for comfort. Kate had stopped crying a few minutes after she vacated everyone from her room, and had been sitting in her thoughts. Finally opening her eyes, she took him in. His eyes were puffy and blood-shot and his rose was blotched with red. She could see that his tears had dried on his face and had caused the top collar of his shirt to wrinkle from the moisture. His hair had been tussled, _probably from constantly running his hands through it_, she thought, and she could see the exhaustion on his face advertised by the dark circles under his eyes.

She brought her legs down from her protected position, and placed her hands on her lap and whispered, "You look like hell, Rick."

A small smile pulled at the side of his lips as he took a seat to her right again. "Yeah, going through hell will do that to you, Kate." She could see him wringing his hands again and knew he desperately wanted to hold her. She shook her head and moved slightly away from him, angling her body to face head on, but far enough away that he would have to heavily lean to touch her. He noticed, and she didn't care. If she let him comfort her it would be real, she would have to face death again, and she couldn't.

"Do you want me to tell you what the doctor said?" Rick had almost whispered it, and if the room hadn't already been deathly silent she would have missed it. His question was piercing, and she slowly shook her head against it as she tried to fight off more tears. Her forehead crinkled, and her face grimaced in a frown as she fought through her emotions, slowly huffing through her nose. Castle didn't take his eyes off her.

"They said it was cervical insufficiency," he continued, ignoring her shakes of "no" and pacing himself while watching her face. Kate closed her eyes and brought her knees back up to her chest suppressing a sob, "Something about how your cervix was dilating too soon. There was medical terminology that she used, but I still need to Google most of it." Her body started to shake, and her mind was racing.

"They said that when you started to go into premature labor and your uterine wall, or the placenta, can't remember which, she was talking fast, tore which led to all the blood." _Blood? I don't remember blood_, she held back as he continued, "They rushed you to the hospital, and one emergency surgery later you're here, and I'm here, and I just want to hold you to make sure you're okay." He was pleading with her now, but she felt tainted and disgusting. She held onto her legs, ignoring his request and closed her eyes. It was the same feeling as before: this pulsing dread the filled her chest and suffocated her. Kate had felt this way when Detective Raglan told her about her mother, and she had felt it after she lied to Castle when she was shot. It was a looming depression that sank into her chest and left her apathetic and distant and she knew that her walls were not only rebuilding, but they were refortified with the new loss of her baby girl.

"Kate, please say something," Castle begged, as he sat at the end of his chair watching her. Kate rubbed her hand under her eyes and brought her fingers to rest on her mouth. She didn't know what to say.

"Castle, I just want to go home."

Kate looked up at him from behind her long lashes filled with tears of loss and his heart ached. She took her hand away from her lips and placed it on the bed between them, waiting tentatively for him to respond. Rick's eyes widened at the sudden gesture and he lightly slid his fingers across the mattress, giving her the ability to recant. She let out a small whimper when his fingers slid up the side of her hand and gripped it with a painfully gentle squeeze. There was nothing. She was so used to a spark or heat burning from his touch, but her skin felt tarnished and sickly, and as Castle rubbed small circles on the top of her hand she let her tears fall freely. Kate Castle suppressed her emotions for her dead infant, and replaced them with tears for herself, because for the first time since saying, "I do," she could not see a clear future for her and the woebegone man sitting across from her trying to understand this new level of pain etching across her face.

**Author's Note: Please don't shoot me! I still hold true to my promise that this whole story will end positively, and I won't let you down, they just have to get there first! I hope everyone had a fantastic Valentine's Day, and I pray that we can all make it through this two-parter. #SaveAlexis and #IBelieveInAndrewMarlowe Love, Liz.**


	5. Chapter 5- Let Me In

Chapter 5- Let Me In

**Thank you all for the kind words and the constructive criticism. I tried to touch on some of the topics you guys brought up and I hope this satisfies. Again, thanks to my beta, Miss Moonbeamsandstarshine, you're perf. Hope you enjoy! Also, anyone else super excited about the 100****th**** episode?! #CakeScript**

Castle was still clutching her hand when Kate fell asleep. Her fingers felt like ice—smooth yet strikingly cold, and he gingerly rubbed the inside of her palm with his thumb hoping it was helping her in some small way. He was holding together pretty well, as well as could be expected, but he knew that this is how he survived. He was a bottler, and held onto emotions until they released in a fury of passion, and they usually embedded themselves onto the pages of his novels. Furious typing into all hours of the night had permeated the Castle household on more than one occasion, and Rick knew this composed state he was currently in was extremely temporary and fragile. If his small outburst toward his mother earlier was anything to judge by, when he finally did snap it was going to be raging. He expelled a small jet of air from his lips and tipped his head back while closing his eyes; it would be okay, they could make it. A soft knock stirred him and he opened his eyes languorously to see the faces of Alexis and Martha peeking around the door.

"Is it alright? Can we come back in?" the concern etched into his mother's question pained Rick's heart and he nodded with a light smile on his face as they entered.

"Jim got called in for a case, or something just as frivolous," she used her hands to over characterize just how frivolous she though his job was. "He tried to argue, but he said he'd be back as soon as he could," Martha continued in a hushed whisper as she came up to Castle and hugged him, "How's she doin', kiddo?"

Rick one-arm hugged her back, not letting go of Kate's hand, "She just fell asleep, I think I freaked her out even more when I told her what the doctor said."

Martha broke away from the hug and looked down at her devastated son. If he had looked ragged when she had first arrived, he looked absolutely abysmal now. His clothes were severely wrinkled and his whole body seemed to sag. His face radiated pain and anguish that only seemed to be accentuated by the dark bags under his eyes and the coarse line his mouth seemed to subconsciously find itself in.

"Richard," she started, "do not blame yourself for this. You and Kate have just been through a life-altering event; do not burden yourself further with guilt."

He looked away from his mother and found himself staring at Kate, "This wouldn't be the first life-altering event we've found ourselves in, Mother."

He was trying for sarcasm, but Martha took it at face value. "Losing a child is about as life-altering as it gets, Richard. All other things pale in comparison, and you _know_ that." At her words, his eyes twisted to Alexis who had remained uncharacteristically quiet since entering the room. She met his eyes and he saw her bottom lip tremble; they were all thinking Paris. He took a breath to respond when vibrations from his pants' pocket distracted him. He pulled out his phone and huffed as he read the name on the caller ID: Gina. He clicked the ignore button and brought himself back to the conversation with his family.

"Yes, Mother, I know. I was being cynical." He went to put his phone away when it started to vibrate again. Gina was being persistent. He twisted his lips and pushed the ignore button a second time; the last person he wanted to talk to was his ex-wife. Almost as soon as he neglected her call Castle's phone was buzzing again with Gina's name emblazoned on his phone's screen.

"Son of a bitch—hello?" he barked as he slowly stood up unclasping his hand from Kate's.

"Don't hello me, Rick! Where the hell are you?" Gina spit through her end of the line. She was livid. He could already tell this conversation might get more boisterous then being in his sleeping wife's room would allow, so he silently exited her room before responding.

"I'm sorry, Gina, my _wife_ is in the hospital! I apologize for inconveniencing you. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go back to being with my family." If she wanted a verbal confrontation, he had no trouble taking his frustrations out on her.

"Rick—" she let out a sigh, he could practically see her rubbing the right side of her face with her index, middle, and ring fingers, "I'm sorry Kate's in the hospital, really I am," she retorted as he gave out a small guffaw, "but you have to come to this meeting. Black Pawn is trying to broaden its international market and the people they've flown in for this Richard—you can't afford to _not_ come." It was a threat. A subtle threat, but a threat none-the-less. Rick's mind had started to reach a billowing fury, but it started to ebb again at Gina's words and apparently honest sympathy.

He pressed the heel of his hand into his left eye and asked, "Gina, is there any way—?"

"I can't cover for this, Rick," she cut him off, "I wouldn't ask, especially right now, if this wasn't imperative."

He started nodding as if she could physically see him, "Okay, okay, give me a bit to run home and –yeah, I'll—I'll be there as soon as I can." He hung up.

* * *

Alexis pensively watched her father reenter her step-mother's hospital room and could instantly tell something had happened with his call; he looked defeated. Her dad walked in and stood at the foot of Kate's bed, not speaking to any of them in particular and not making eye contact with the conscious people in the room.

"I have to leave, just for a little bit. I've got a meeting with Black Pawn that I completely forgot about, and Gina needs me," he stated his words with no emotion. "If something happens text me, if it's urgent call, I'll—I'll be back as soon as I can."

Alexis stood and wrapped her arms around her father's torso. He didn't respond right away to her touch, but slowly he raised his arms and wrapped them around her to hold her.

"We'll be here when she wakes up, Dad. Don't worry, we've got her." She felt the tears from his eyes in her hair and responded by nuzzling into his chest, "I love you."

"Love you too, pumpkin." He pulled back and placed a simple kiss to her forehead and gave her a weak smile. He dropped his arms from their embrace and made to leave for the door. Martha stood quickly and followed him out. As the door closed, she caught him up in a full hug as well, and rubbed her palms on his back.

"It really will be okay, darling. It looks bleak now, but we'll make it."

He gave a small sob into her shoulder, "I feel like I'm abandoning her." Martha pulled back to look at his face. When he cried like this, as rare at it usually was, her memories of a sobbing five year old were all she could picture. She didn't see her grown up matured son, Richard Castle, but her precious child, Ricky Rodgers, who just needed to be told by his loving mother that everything was fine.

"Richard Edgar Castle, you are not abandoning your wife, or your family. Do not think for one second that we see your situation that way! Now, go take care of your business, and when you come back we'll go home, if the doctor so allows. It's going to be alright." She practically pleaded as she held his face in her hands. He nodded into her palms and kissed her cheek.

"I'll be back soon, thank you, Mother." He turned toward the elevator and pushed for the ground floor. He looked back up the empty hallway at his mother's thin figure standing against the harsh whiteness of the hospital watching him leave. She gave him a small wave with the hand that wasn't wrapped around her own torso in a small attempt to calm him. He responded with a tight lipped smile and, as the doors of the elevator enclosed him, his mind was racing with one statement: _It will be alright. It will be alright._

_It will be alright._

* * *

"When's dad coming back, Gram?"

"He's only been gone a few hours, darling. I'm sure he's trying as hard as he can to get back to us."

Kate languidly opened her eyes to the sounds of her family. Martha and Alexis were both sitting quietly together on her left side. Alexis had her legs brought up to her chest with her chin placed on her knees while Martha was leaning forward on her elbows which rested on her crossed legs. Kate slowly shifted and both of their attentions were brought to her. Alexis looked at her with wide doe eyes, still red from a recent bought of tears and Martha smiled slowly as Kate sat up.

"So Rick had to leave?" Kate asked gently, not wanting to sound angry or scared because she honestly wasn't.

Martha brought her chair a bit closer to Kate's bed, her face so honestly genuine it jarred Kate to realize how much this woman cared for her. "Him and your father both got called into their offices. They'll both be back as soon as they can, dear."

Kate nodded her head and wet her chapping lips, "Thank you both for staying with me." The smile that Kate tried to give them was pathetic compared to the emotional honesty she was trying to portray. This was still new, this family cohesion. Kate had been alone for so long, and even after her and Rick had gotten married it had just been them most of the time. Martha had moved out to a small condo closer to her acting studio and Alexis was still living in the dorms at Columbia, so this sudden family connection over tragedy was slightly throwing the detective off. Her only past experience was from her mother's murder, and her father had thrown himself into a bottle while his nineteen year old daughter tried not to drown in sorrow. Even something as simple as Martha and Alexis's presence was enough to help Kate stay afloat.

There was a light knock on the door and a light haired doctor made her way into the room. Kate looked up at her as she stood in the doorway. Her cropped hair framed her high cheek bones making her neck look extremely lithe. The fitted black pants suit she wore emanated respect and, accompanied with blazon red heels and a white doctor's coat, she demanded it. Her eyes found Kate's and she took a few more steps into the room.

"Hello, Mrs. Castle, my name is Dr. Lynn. I talked with your husband yesterday and I thought I would stop in this morning to check on you myself. How are you feeling?" Dr. Lynn spoke very poignantly as she took Kate's chart off of the wall and started flipping through it.

"I'm—I'm alright," Kate responded, slightly thrown by a new dominant presence in the room, "My lower body still aches, but whatever pain killers they're giving me seem to be working. I'm sorry, did you say you spoke to my husband?"

"Yes, I'm the doctor who filled him in on your condition. Did he not tell you what happened?" Dr. Lynn looked over the paperwork she held in her hands to stare at Kate.

"No, no he did!" Kate quickly responded, she didn't need this woman thinking her husband was incompetent, "I just, he could only explain so much. Do you mind if you fill me in on what you told him?" Martha and Alexis were deathly silent. All three of them knew that the baby was gone, and Rick had done his best to translate through the medical jargon, but Kate needed to hear it from the woman in the white coat. Some small part of her was hoping for a miracle and that Castle had heard wrong and that her baby was fine.

Dr. Lynn placed her chart back on the wall and turned around to face Kate. "Would you like me to divulge with present company, or would you like your family to wait outside?" The question came out softly, without the bite of indignation that Kate thought would have accompanied such a query. She turned her head and looked over at Martha and Alexis. They were both staring back at her waiting to be given direction. This was a turning point, and Kate knew that she should let them stay. She knew that they would only support her, care for her, love her, but she looked at them both, so eager to be let in, and it was terrifying.

"Can you guys give me a minute with Dr. Lynn? I just—I can't." She tried to explain herself, but Martha stood and helped Alexis to her feet.

"Don't worry about us, dear, we'll go get some lunch from the cafeteria. Would you like us to get you anything?" Martha was putting up a front for Alexis, hiding the pain of being rejected again. Kate shook her head. Both women walked past Dr. Lynn who gave them both a curt nod and looked back to Kate when the door closed.

"Mrs. Castle, you were brought in last night at approximately eleven p.m. with vaginal bleeding and possible pregnancy complications. Upon admittance and examination, it was concluded that the blood and consistent pain that you were exhibiting was from cervical incompetence. Although rare in the United States, there are still one to two percent of pregnancies that show signs of this disorder. In your case, the fetus was being delivered prematurely, and there was no possible way to keep a baby of fifteen to sixteen weeks alive outside of your body." Dr. Lynn took a deep breath and Kate stared at her with a steel reserve, there would be time to process these emotions later. "After removing the fetus and checking to see if you needed a D and C, it became apparent that you were showing signs of suffering from uterine dehiscence. We had to do some minor surgery to repair the inner lining of your uterus, and because of this surgery I need to inform you that it may be more difficult for you to conceive again in the future."

Kate closed her eyes and brought her right hand to her mouth. She pressed her fingers into her lips to keep them closed as she started to cry again. _Difficult to conceive in the future._ The future that her and Castle had already started to plan and were so ecstatic about. The future where she held a baby in her arms and her husband wrapped them both in a loving embrace. Her left hand was curled into the sheets as these dreams for her future vanished, and it was the first time that she was glad that she had told Alexis and Martha to leave. She couldn't cope with them looking at her with even more sympathy.

Kate opened her eyes and sputtered, "When can I go home?" She needed to get out of here. Her flight reflex was causing her to start to panic and feel claustrophobic; Kate couldn't stay in this hospital any longer.

Dr. Lynn looked slightly put off that there weren't more professional questions being asked as she answered Kate. "I can have someone go and get your release papers now if you like. Your surgery was extremely non-invasive, so as long as you keep on your medications it should only be a week or two until you start to feel one hundred percent. I am going to ask for you to schedule a visit with your gynecologist after two weeks for a follow up evaluation so we can make sure there isn't an infection or internal blood pooling. And I would give it a bit before you go back to work; there is no rush to overexert yourself." Dr. Lynn spoke gently with an air of reassurance that Kate knew was meant to make her feel better about her situation. Nodding her head she thanked the doctor and slowly stood up from her bed. She needed her clothes, and she needed to sign her papers and get the hell out of this hospital.

Kate found a fresh set of clothes folded in a neat pile in her recovery room's bathroom. She stroked the comfortable fabric of her favorite cashmere sweater and gave a small throaty chuckle,_ I wonder which one of them knew to bring me this: Alexis or Martha?_ The truth, she ultimately realized, was that both women were attentive enough to remember which sweater was her favorite and that brought another pang to her heart. She pulled her hospital gown off and stared at her naked torso in the bathroom mirror. Her hair was completely deflated and lifeless, pulled back into a messy bun low at the base of her skull. Her face was gaunt and it looked more hollow with the deep lines under her eyes from her nights of restless sleep. Her skin looked paper white and pasty. Kate raised her hand and placed it on her lower abdomen. Her protruding bump that had once brought grace to her body and blessed her life with new meaning was now a horrid reminder of what she had lost. She bit her bottom lip to stop from crying out as she cringed at her own reflection. Turning from the mirror, she threw the sweater on to cover her stomach, _out of sight, out of mind_. She grabbed her pants next and tried to pull them on. Pain erupted inside her body at her quick movements, and a stuttered shriek tripped out of her mouth from surprise. She couldn't even get dressed without being in agony.

"Just—stop, please." The sudden anguish seemed to rekindle the tormented reality she found herself in and the cry she had been holding back escaped her lips. She stumbled back onto the hospital bed and curled into herself, finally just giving in. Alone in her cold hospital room, reeling over her dead child, her broken body, and her lost future, Kate Castle finally let it all go.

* * *

Alexis was waiting with Martha to hear something from the doctor who still hadn't left Kate's room. She was nervously biting her thumb nail and bouncing her foot unconsciously in agitation. Martha gently placed her hand on Alexis's bouncing knee and gave it a solid squeeze.

"She's going to be fine, kiddo. Need I remind you, Kate's made of tough stuff; we'll just have to give her some extra love when she needs it." Martha firmly stated as she playfully bumped her shoulder against Alexis. Alexis cracked a smile as she nudged her grandmother back.

"I know she is. She's so independent and resilient and I actually admire her so much, Gram. I just wish she'd let me in. Let you in. Let us help her. I don't like being kept at arm's length." Alexis felt a slight blush burn her cheeks at her admission of admiration, but Martha just pulled her in for a hug.

"Don't worry, darling. No one can keep us at arm's length forever. We Rodgers and Castle women are too vivacious to be kept backstage." As she finished her small rant, the door to Kate's room opened and Alexis hopped up out of her grandmother's embrace looking at the doctor with pleading eyes. Dr. Lynn clicked the door closed and turned to address the women sitting in the hallway.

"Mrs. Castle has asked to be released, so I'm going to send a nurse back with her papers so she can go home," Dr. Lynn discloses as she gave them a small smile.

"Thank you, Dr. Lynn, for helping Kate." Alexis quickly said as Dr. Lynn turned to go back about her rounds. Alexis was given a small head nod of acknowledgement from the doctor, and then they were left to listen to the clicking of her heels on the bleach white floor.

Alexis pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to her dad, _**Getting release papers. Kate wants to go home :/ . **_She plopped back into her seat and Martha quickly joins her. Alexis's phone chimed and she read her dad's response, _**K, meeting taking too long see you at home 3 order food, make her eat**_. Martha took out her phone too, and stood again.

"I'm going to call Jim. No point in him coming back here if we're leaving soon. Be right back, Alexis, need to walk a bit, loosen the old legs."

Martha patted her shoulder as she made off down the hall leaving Alexis to wait for an unnamed nurse for Kate's paperwork. A calm silence blanketed the hallway and Alexis closed her eyes against the harsh whiteness of the hospital. That's when she heard it, a keening sob that was failing to be muffled. Alexis stood and placed her ear on the outside of Kate's door and she heard a ragged intake of breath as the sound continued. The lament of a devastated mother tore at Alexis's soul and she placed her hand on the door knob to Kate's room. _Please let me help you, Kate, let me in_. Slowly she pushed the door open and walked in.

**Author's Note: Uh, I'm sorry! CLIFFHANGER-ish! It was just getting a bit long and it's not like someone else is dying, yet . . jk! I promise I'll get them out of the hospital soon, then the real fun begins! Had to throw in a little homage to Target and Hunt, I hope everyone enjoyed them! 3 Thank you again for reading, it makes me extremely happy to see my email explode from your comments, favs, and reviews! Thank you all -Liz**


	6. Chapter 6- Comforts

Chapter 6- Comforts

**Oh, man. So, something you guys should know about me: This is the first season of Castle I've watched as it airs. This is the first time I've had to put up with hiatuses, breaks, two-parters, and the like and I'm not sure I'm going to survive the summer. We'll see. I'm sure Moonbeamsandstarshine will find something for us to do to keep me from going crazy. Sorry this took so long, I'll work on that.**

The first thing that registered to Alexis as she witnessed her stepmother fall apart in a hospital bed was that she wasn't sure what to do with her body. Should she sit, stay standing, go to Kate and comfort her, leave? She found herself hyperaware of her existence within Kate's space, and she felt extremely out of place, causing her to squirm with unease. She could feel the fibers of her clothes rub on her skin causing a rustling; felt her blood pumping with her erratic heart-beat that sounded like a crazed drummer's march. She was making too much noise, and how had Kate not noticed her proximity, Alexis's entire presence screamed cacophony! _Why did I think I could come in here?_ It was too personal, and the room was too small, and Kate was bellowing into her pillow! Alexis had to get out; Kate would never forgive her if she realized she had seen her so broken, so shattered. Alexis twisted around and grabbed the knob of the door with her trembling hand, letting out a breath she didn't realize she had been holding. This was better. Kate didn't want her here.

"'Lexis?"

It was faint, barely a whisper on the wind. Alexis lowered her hand from the knob and slowly turned to face the owner of the melancholy sound. She kept her head bent in shame, and bit the inside of her cheek. She couldn't do it, she couldn't look at Kate.

"Kate, I'm sorry I—"

"Stay."

It was such a simple statement. So innocent, and as Alexis registered what Kate had uttered, her eyes shot up to stare at the detective's face seeking non-verbal reassurance. Her gaze was held by the tired eyes of a warrior and survivor, and in them she found no hate or anger, only grief. Alexis's bottom lip trembled and she caught herself choking out a sob on her next exhale. She nodded to the figure in the bed and made her way over to the chair in the right side of the room.

Alexis gingerly sat at the edge of the seat with her hands wringing in her lap and took a deep breath before looking up again. Kate was sitting up, crossing her legs and clearing her throat to try and seem normal.

Alexis shook her head and leaned forward, "You don't have to pretend, Kate. I just wanted to make sure you were okay, and you don't have to hide your feelings from me."

At the slight lean forward Kate slid farther to the edge of her bed, just out of arms reach of Alexis's sitting position. Alexis noticed the small movement, but brushed it off, she wanted Kate to be comfortable, and if she needed her space then she wouldn't intrude any more than she already had. Kate used the heels of her hands to wipe her eyes one more time and smiled up at the teen.

"I'm okay, I just didn't—I didn't want you to think that I didn't want you around." Alexis knew she was lying. She knew there was nothing okay with the way Kate was acting, and that Kate would still be wailing into her pillow if she hadn't walked into her room, but she took it. She took Kate's small invitation, because she knew that that was all Kate could give her, and for now, it was enough.

Alexis returned the smile and sat back further in the chair, trying to be supportive without being physical. Her father had always hugged, squeezed, and bullied his way into her space when she was depressed, so it was hard to grasp why Kate was flinching from contact. Alexis's brain was whirring, trying to figure out what to do now before an awkward silence settled between them, but she had nothing. There was nothing that Alexis could think of to make Kate feel better, to reassure her that her family was here to support her. _Dad is so much better at this_.

"Thank you," Kate prompted, causing Alexis to tilt her head slightly in confusion, "for bringing me fresh clothes. I didn't realize how bl—" she paused. _Bloody, oh god, she was going to say bloody_, "how ruined my other clothes were. Just wanted to say thanks." Alexis held a tight-lipped grin and bobbed her head at the recognition.

"It was Gram's idea," she finally added, "When we went home last night she thought you might want something to make you more comfortable. I hope I grabbed the right sweater, though. I thought you had said something about really liking that one."

Kate genuinely smiled and tilted her head down to watch her hands play with the hem of her sweater, "Yeah, it's my favorite. Thanks for remembering." Alexis warmed at the compliment, but slowly the silence began to trickle back in. They both sat awkwardly, not looking at each other, like everything else in the room was suddenly mesmerizing. _This isn't how this is supposed to be_, Alexis bickered with herself_, I should be able to have a conversation with Kate by now, alone! This shouldn't be so forced. _She bit the inside of her cheek again and made up her mind. It was time to talk.

"Kate," Alexis paused, what was she supposed to say? "I just want—"

"Please, don't. I can't right now, Alexis. Please stop." Alexis tried to read Kate's face through her interruption but was confronted with an unreadable canvas. No emotion, no movement, just a blank side profile from where Alexis was sitting. Kate couldn't even look at her. Confusion ripped through her, and she fumbled for a rebuttal.

"But, I don't—Kate, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make you feel better." Alexis felt the side of her mouth twitch down as the confession left her lips and she watched as Kate slowly closed her eyes and stayed silent. "I don't know how to make everything okay again."

Kate's lip trembled, but that was the only break in her armor, "It's not about making it better, it's about you just being here. I just need you to be here." Slightly taken aback, Alexis's mouth fell open at the detective's words. "I'm not used to people wanting to help me. I'm used to going through things like this by myself, and I just need you to stay. I don't need you to do anything, I just need you to smile and wait with me. I don't want to be alone anymore." Kate's voice started to crack toward the end of her small monologue and it caused Alexis's jaw to clench. Alexis felt ridiculous. Kate just needed a presence in the room, she didn't need a white knight, she needed a companion to battle with her, not for her.

Alexis smiled and sat up a little bit higher in her chair, "Never again, Kate. You'll never be alone again."

The silence that filled the room after Kate's admission was no longer awkward, but warm. Alexis sat back again in the chair and let the silence press into her ears, a soft hum that allowed her to relax. If this is all Kate needed, then this is exactly what Alexis would do. She would just stay.

* * *

It was a few more minutes of tranquil silence before there was a light knock on the door. Kate and Alexis both looked up to see Martha slowly easing her way into the room.

"I'm not intruding am I, darlings? I can always come back later." The older woman seemed slightly cautious, and it made Alexis smile to see her grandmother so worried about interrupting her and Kate's time together.

"No, you're fine, Martha. Alexis and I were just enjoying each other's company." Kate flicked a small smile Alexis's way and it caused a warm feeling to flood her chest again. It was nice to be needed by someone she admired so much.

"Good, because the hallway was getting dreadfully dull." Martha plopped into a chair next to Alexis and placed her hand on the girl's shoulder giving it a small rub. "I got ahold of your father, Kate, and he said he'd stop by the loft tomorrow to check on you, if you're up for a visitor. He wanted to come by later tonight, but I told him you'd probably just want a quiet first night home. Hope I wasn't over-stepping."

"No, Martha, thank you. I really just want to get home and curl up in my bed. These hospital ones are too lumpy." Kate stated as she maneuvered around in her sitting position to get a little more comfortable.

"Yes, one of Richard's strong suits is picking out the most divine furniture. We used to have this beautiful plush recliner. Oh, you felt like you were sitting on a cloud! It was just spectacular, but it was a casualty of war." Martha huffed as she knocked shoulders with Alexis playfully. Alexis smiled and gave a small chuckle.

"It's not my fault Dad tried to vault behind it for cover. I can't control how he defends himself from my vengeance." Alexis mock argued, more for the nostalgia than for anything else. Her dad had been standing on top of the recliner to try and get a better aim at her while they were playing a round of laser tag. He thought she was hiding behind the couch, but upon realizing she was actually on the opposite edge of the room he had sprung back and his sudden weight shift had caused the back end of the chair to break completely off. Martha had been devastated, her father had ended up with a sprained ankle, and Alexis had come out the victor.

"I'm sorry I missed that," Kate chortled.

"Don't worry, kiddo, I'm sure Richard and Alexis will be willing to give you a play-by-play once you're feeling up to participating," Martha threw in with a wave of her hand and a grin on her face.

"I'd really like that," Kate stated as she made eye contact with Alexis. Alexis gave her a full toothy grin. This is what Kate needed, something to look forward to; a promise for a happier tomorrow.

Alexis was only half listening to the new topic that her grandmother had brought up with Kate when her phone vibrated. Plucking it out of her pocket she glanced at her screen and saw it was from her dad. **ETA to home? I'm about to get outta this meeting. **Alexis twisted her lips and responded, **No papers yet, nurse is AWOL. I'll let you know. **She pocketed her phone and slowly stood up.

"Dad's about done with his meeting. I'm going to go find the nurse and figure out where they are with your papers, Kate. Be right back."

"Alright, dear, we'll be right here," Martha affirmed as Alexis made her way to the door and walked out into the strikingly white hallway.

The nurse's station was just around the bend in the hall toward the elevators, and she let her mind wander as she bobbed her head to the beat of her shoes on the sterile floor. She felt her phone vibrate again, and saw that her dad had responded. **I'll come back to the hospital then, Gina needs me to look some documents over before I can dash**. Alexis shook her head and brought up her keyboard, **Don't bother. Finding the nurse now to get Kate home. You pick up dinner and meet us there. Good?** Rounding the corner and following the signs she found the nurse's station as she got her next reply**, Alright, see you soon, hon.** Sliding her phone back into her pocket, she looked up into the kind face of one of the nurses on staff. The first thing she noticed was his piercing eyes that dazzled with a sincerity and kindness she rarely saw in people outside her family. They were a rich brown that seemed to draw her into his stare. Alexis gave a small gulp and felt a heated blush creep over her cheeks as the male nurse behind the counter smiled.

"Can I help you with something, miss?" His question should not have caused her to pause, but his brash tenor voice was mesmerizing.

"Yeah, uh," _Oh, god, pull it together_, "yeah, I'm trying to get the release papers for my stepmom. She's back in room 1047 and we've been waiting for a while now." Her response came out a little too quickly and Alexis wasn't sure why she suddenly felt a little too warm.

"Let me see here," the nurse responded as he clicked around on his work station, "Katherine Castle, right? Yeah, it looks like she's been cleared for release. Let me go get her paperwork and her wheelchair, and you and I can walk back to her room together, okay?" Alexis just smiled and nodded as he turned around to get Kate's folder. He came back from around the counter carrying Kate's documents and pushing a wheelchair. _Oh, man. Kate is not going to like this_, Alexis thought as her and the adorable nurse made their way to Kate's room.

* * *

Castle walked into the loft toting two large take-out bags full of Chinese food. He pretty much had ordered one of everything off of the menu. Placing his smorgasbord on the kitchen table he looked around the loft to see about tidying up before his family came home. It looked like Martha and Alexis had cleaned up almost everything in the kitchen, and as he looked around the living room it seemed that they had also put away all of the items from poker night as well. He meandered back toward the kitchen but paused next to a large gap where he could have sworn a chair resided. He rubbed his hand on the outside of his jaw, letting the stubble he had neglected to shave grate his skin as he pondered on the whereabouts of a piece of his living room furniture.

He pulled out his phone, flopping on the couch, and sent a quick text to Alexis: **Where you guys at? It's so quiet, foods getting cold, and where's the brown chair that used to be in the living room?!** Her almost immediate response threw him, W**e're making our way out now. Kate's mad. They made her leave in a wheel chair. Hope you got her spring rolls, and Gram took the chair to be fixed. . .** Rick popped an eyebrow at Alexis's response and typed, **What happened to it!?** This small new mystery was just the type of simple distraction he needed to start to wind down. It took Alexis a little longer to reply, but her response sent a cold chill into Rick's bones, **Kate's blood stained it. . .so Gram sent it to get reupholstered. . .hope that's okay**. Castle pocketed his phone and scrubbed his face with both his hands without replying to his daughter. He would never be able to look at the chair again without seeing Kate in agonizing pain as her body revolted against her. He would only ever see the stain, new upholstery or not.

Guilt and fear festered in his mind and he realized that when the chair was returned it would only ever serve as a trophy to their pain; he'd probably end up just trashing it. Not wanting to think or feel he tried to catch a nap before his girls returned, but his contrition withheld him from sleep. He should have been there. He should have never left her to deal with the hospital alone; he should have blown off work to be with her. Letting his guilty mind wander, he closed his eyes, and as he drifted into a fitful doze, he was still haunted by a large stain on a chair that no longer occupied his household.

* * *

_A wheelchair, they made me leave in a fucking wheelchair!_ Kate was irate, and as the nurse pushed her out of the hospital lobby, she practically jumped out of the accursed thing as the doors closed behind her. A dull pain rocked her lower abdomen at her sudden movements, and she let out a huff of irritation and fury. It should not be this difficult to get home! Martha came up behind her and reached out to assist, but Kate skirted her advancing palm and pivoted out of Martha's reach.

"I'm fine, Martha, I'm okay." She could see the pain flash in the woman's eyes for a brief pause, but it was then replaced with a kind smile and a gentle nod.

"I've got the car service over this way, darling. We'll be home in no time."

Kate put a hand to her side and shakily made her way to the car that Martha was currently opening the door to. Kate took in a sharp breath and realized how cramped the back was going to be with the three of them. She felt her chest start to tighten again, and she dug her nails into her palms to steady her hands. This was not going to work.

"I think I'm going to sit up front on the passenger's side," she nonchalantly stated to Martha who was holding the door for her. "I, uh, need the leg room to stretch out." It wasn't even a good lie.

Martha looked her over quizzically, then seemed to give up trying to decipher Kate's motive for not wanting to squeeze into the back with them, "Whatever you need, dear." Martha slid into the back of the car as Kate opened up her door. She looked behind her to see Alexis saying goodbye to McDreamy, the nurse. She watched as the younger woman fiddled with a strand of hair and laugh at something the man had said. It was serene and yet daunting to see life continuing, even though she still felt behind, like she was moving through molasses.

"Alexis, let's go, your dad's waiting for us," Kate called as she, too slid into the car. She watched Alexis type furiously into her phone as she backed towards them, _She must have gotten a phone number_, and then waved goodbye. Alexis pulled open her door and the driver turned out of the hospital pickup/ drop off area as soon as her door slammed shut.

Kate closed her eyes and let her body adjust to the stop and go, push and pull of New York City traffic. Letting out a long sigh, she tried to get a little more comfortable as she flipped the visor down to block the sun from her eyes. Finally, she was going home.

**Author's Note: Out of the hospital, and into the fire! Thanks for the favs and the reviews, you guys are fantastical. Already working on the next chapter and it's a doozy. Love you all, and have a happy Castle Monday! -Liz**


	7. Chapter 7- Descent

Chapter 7- Decent

**Whoa, all of a sudden reviews. You guys really don't know how amazing they make me feel, and I don't think I can properly express my gratitude. Also feeling the love on Twitter, you guys are too great! Thank you, sincerely, thank you. Also, holy hell, Monday's episode! I'm just gonna be over here on the floor, crying because of how perfect that was. Don't mind me. #Castle100**

There was a pause, a moment of pure fear, as Kate approached the door to the loft, trailing behind Martha and Alexis. It was a rising panic that was building to its crescendo the closer her feet brought her to the door. Kate watched silently as Martha playfully chided Alexis about the phone number that she had procured at the hospital. Alexis was now flushed with embarrassment as her hands rummaged around in her purse, but Kate's attention was no longer on Martha, or her ravings of her own past McSteamy's, it was completely centered on the key ring that Alexis hand hooked from inside her bag. The only sound she could focus on was the key sliding into place and grinding against its inner locking mechanism; seeming to tick down the time she had to compose herself. She inhaled a staggered breath as the door slowly swung open and the two women in front of her entered, but Kate stood awkwardly on the outside of the threshold not sure if she was ready.

_Move. MOVE!_ Kate clenched her fists feeling her nails dig into the soft flesh of her palms. _Move, damn it!_ Her lips drew a hard line and she held her breath while her nostrils flared and her jaw set with a ridged clench. _Move before they notice!_ Her foot, finally ready to obey, started to shift but not before Martha tentatively looked back into the hallway. Kate's eyes met Martha's and she started to prepare herself for an onslaught of are-you-okays, but the older woman paused in the doorframe and gave her a tentative smile.

"Come in when you're ready, dear." Martha gently beseeched as she slid the door open a little bit wider and left Kate to herself in the hall. Kate bit her lip and let out a heavy sigh. God bless Martha Rodgers.

* * *

"Daaaaad, wake uuuuup," Alexis sang with a more somber tone as she wiggled Castle's foot at the end of the couch, "You're going to miss dinner!" A small smile twisted the sides of his mouth as he took a deep inhale while he animatedly stretched.

"I'm up, I'm up, I'm up," he groaned in a cadence through his stretch as he swung his legs off the couch and stood. He watched as Alexis made her way into the kitchen stopping at the cabinets to grab plates for everyone as he rounded the couch. Turning his attention away from his daughter, he found his mother making her way toward him while he looked over her shoulder toward the slightly open door looking for Kate. His question began to blossom on his tongue when his mother flourished her hand averting his attention and interrupting his train of thought.

"Richard, she's out in the hallway getting her bearings," Martha stated as his eyes raked over his mother seeking more information.

"Does she need something? I can –"

"Katherine doesn't need a white knight, Richard, she needs a dedicated companion; an equal. You don't have to always feel like you need to rescue her." Martha pointedly interjected. "Don't suffocate her with your super hero complex." Castle looked at his mother with slight confusion.

"Mother, I'm just trying to make sure she's okay," Rick replied as his eyes flitted back to the door still ajar.

Martha shook her head ever so slightly and tenderly placed her hands on either side of his face forcing his focus. "You know she's not alright, darling, and she doesn't need to be reminded how _not_ alright she is. Let her have her little moments to herself for a bit, and when she realizes you're not going to smother her she'll let you help her heal."

Castle let out a huff, but his eyes drew away from those of his mother to follow the new movement near the entryway. Kate had pushed the door shut and was slowly removing her shoes. She looked so frail, and it caused a primal urge in Castle to protect, guard, and shelter her so she could lick her wounds in peace.

"I'll—I'll try, Mother," he retorted as he made to move toward his wife.

"Richard," Martha hissed catching Castle off guard at the sudden lurking anger, "listen to me." His mother's final insistence was almost pleading, and he shook his head in agreement as Martha patted his cheek and turned toward the kitchen. Castle's eyes drifted back to Kate who hadn't moved from the foyer. He stepped toward her and watched as a small ray of panic drew across her face. She quickly brought her right hand up and clung to her upper left arm creating a small subconscious barrier between her and Castle.

Slightly furrowing his brow as he psychoanalyzed her movement, he offered his hand to her and nudged his head toward the kitchen, "Hungry, detective?" She looked up at him, finally meeting his eye, and gave a small nod

"Very much so, Castle." He wiggled his fingers trying to entice her to grab them, but she looked at his hand with revulsion. Noticing her discomfort he lowered his hand, slightly concerned. _Space, she needs space_. As she walked past him toward the kitchen he followed suit, and prepared himself to try and acclimate back to a space-needing Kate.

* * *

It was awkward, painfully awkward, and Kate couldn't stand another second of it. The entire dinner had been full of conversation that was just a bit too vague and, poor Martha, kept trying to engage everyone. Alexis had participated briefly before resigning to silence, and Castle seemed to make it his new life's mission to make her smile. He had resorted to food squelching before Kate had picked up her plate and excused herself from the table. She couldn't take this, not today, she just wanted to be alone.

She practically threw her dishes into the sink and stalked into her bedroom- their bedroom- and paused a few steps into the dark. The bed loomed in the center of the space like a beacon, drawing her into its presence. She placed her hands on the cooled sheets, and ran her fingers over the thousand thread count cotton. The movement and touch reverberated memories of the sheets on her skin while wrapped with his body: moaning, pleading, begging, biting, screaming. Kate brought her hand back from the fabric as if burned and started ringing her fingers. She couldn't stay here—sleep here. It was too intimate, and it held too many memories that she would rather stay away from at the moment. She feathered her fingers through the side of her hair then brought her nails to rest on her bottom lip. Looks like it was time for the guest room.

* * *

Rick watched as Kate stomped into his office and let a sigh of defeat escape his lips. He should go after her, comfort her, and wrap her in his arms while he promised nothing but happily ever afters into her ear. _Space, give her space_. He rose from the table and grabbed a few cartons of left-overs to start cleaning up, and Alexis moved to assist him. Martha followed suit, and the three of them ended up together in the kitchen while silence settled into the area between their bodies. Alexis cleared her throat, after putting Kate's plate in the dishwasher, getting the attention of her family.

"I can stay here if you need me to, Dad," she offered, compassion and love riddling her face as she stared into his eyes, "if you need me to stay I can be here for a few days and make sure everything is alright."

Rick smiled at his daughter's inherent empathy, and walked the few steps to envelope her in a gentle embrace. "Thank you, pumpkin. Thank you for caring enough that you'd babysit us, but I think we'll be alright. Go back to the dorms, and study or something. Don't wallow in this, okay?" He placed a kiss on her forehead as she burrowed into his shirt.

"Okay, Dad, I'll go, but if you need anything call me okay?" She ended, pulling back slightly from him to stare into his eyes for honesty. Rick only nodded and gave her a final squeeze before letting her go. Alexis hopped over and wrapped her arms around her grandmother in a spectacularly flamboyant gesture. They whispered their goodbyes and Martha ended the embrace with theatrical kisses to Alexis's cheeks. Alexis paused, after hugging Martha, to stare at the closed door of the study. Castle swallowed, and walked up behind Alexis and wrapped her in another hug.

"This one's from Kate," he whispered into her hair. Alexis gave a small smile and wiped a tear that had escaped down her left cheek.

"Thanks, Dad."

Castle pulled back, planting a light kiss to the crown of her head, and with a smile gracing her lips and final goodbyes said, Alexis grabbed her bag and left for her dorm.

Rick watched the door close and hefted a sigh as he leaned his hip against the kitchen counter. Martha sidled over and bumped the side of her hip with his, tugging a smile to his lips. They didn't say anything, there were no words that had been said already that bore repeating, but being within each other's space was like a warm balm on a chilled soul. Being together was easing the ache.

Martha finally clapped her hands together and brought Rick in for another hug, "It's getting late, and you look exhausted. Get some sleep and I'll be over after I check up on some things with my school. Tell Kate I said good night."

Castle kissed the side of her check and whispered his goodbye as his mother went back to her studio. As the door clicked from Martha's exit, his peripheral vision brought to his attention the movement from his office doorway. Kate was leaning on the doorframe with her arms wrapped around to hug her sides. A nervous twinge caught Rick off-guard and he tilted his head as he slowly propelled his way toward her. She seemed to shrink at his advance so he sat himself a decent length away from her on the arm of his couch, waiting for her to say something to him—anything. He _needed_ her, and he was willing to give her all the space she desired, but he needed to know that the insecurity and anguish he was shouldering alone could one day be absolved. He needed to know they were in this together, and that they could support each other through their toils and come out of this a stronger couple. He needed to know she wouldn't leave him to suffocate under the duress of his grief. He needed his wife.

"I have to pick up my prescriptions in the morning," Kate mumbled, not able to meet his eye.

Castle nodded his head, "Sure, I can get those before breakfast." He was trying so hard to get at least eye contact. She kept tilting her head and staring at everything else in the room like it was fascinating, all the while chewing her bottom lip.

Minutes crept by, and Castle's patience was wearing thin. His knee started to jiggle and his thumb tapped on the downbeat with a muted thump against the leather of the couch arm. He finally stood up and ran his fingers through his hair letting out a fake yawn.

"How about we get some sleep, Kate. I am exhausted and you don't seem to be fairing much better. A few hours could be nice."

Kate slowly made her way into the living room and maneuvered a wide berth around his position on the couch arm. "I think—I think I'm going to sleep in the guest room tonight." She stopped next to the large windows on the far wall and finally looked him in the eye. Rick's mouth had fallen open in distress and he looked completely defeated. Eyebrows thrown up in disbelief and eyes open with shock and pain, he held her stare since she wouldn't let him hold her body.

"Kate, what – I don't. I know you don't want me to touch you, but we can build a pillow wall, or—" He was stumbling for words trying to plead with her while she shook her head.

"It's not about not touching you, Castle. I just _can't_ right now. I know it's hard to understand, but—"

"No, what's hard to understand is why my _wife_ won't let me hold her. Why she won't let me comfort her in _our_ time of grief. I need you, Kate, and I can't just watch you shut this—me out!" He wasn't yelling, he couldn't yell at her, but he was punctuating every word with hard consonants to keep himself from screaming in frustration. _Keep it locked up, save this emotion for later when you're writing_. She kept shaking her head, biting her lip and furrowing her brow.

"I'm not shutting you out, I just—I just need time to regroup myself. So, please, just—I'm going to bed, upstairs. Please, just give me this." She wasn't crying and her body wasn't shaking; she had fallen behind her Detective Beckett façade. Castle stood from the couch and set his jaw, beyond frustrated with their situation.

"Fine," he replied throwing up his hands and he turned his back and stalked toward their bedroom. She wanted space and even though he was already starting to suffocate without her, he would give her anything she wanted, even if it killed him.

* * *

Kate cringed when she heard their bedroom door slam. Swaying slightly in the dark living room, she let the silence engulf her for a moment as she clung to herself. This was better, this silence was better to face alone. She ran her tongue over her chapping lips and tasted the harsh metallic sweetness of blood. Continuing to run her tongue over the spot she slowly ascended the stairs toward her sanctuary for the night.

_No more biting lips_, she thought as she reached the top of the stairs. She walked the few extra feet and rested her forehead against the door to the guest room. The polished knob was chilled to the touch, and a part of her knew that that was why she couldn't sleep downstairs. Her cold body required a cold room, and Castle had always perpetuated heat. Their bedroom, their sheets, his body, his books they all used to wrap her in such lovely cocoons of warmth and safety, but for Kate's new cold core, she needed to freeze.

As she began to turn the knob a small chime of whimsical music floated with a muted dissonance down the hallway. Dropping her hand from the door she turned her body and felt her eyes latch onto the last remaining door in the hall. The chime played again, and she felt a fist clench in her stomach as her chest started to feel compressed again. With a shuffled gait, Kate made her way to stand in front of the nursery; hand slowly turning the knob to the room that would never be used for their baby.

It was the mobile. The little mobile that Castle had found at the first baby store they had stopped at. The air from the vent was coming out hard enough to cause the mobile to spin, and as it spun it emitted a small tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Kate stood transfixed at the sight as the little stars and the moon charms did small half rotations from the air flow. She made her way over to the crib and placed her fingertips along the smooth wood of the rail. Moving her eyes from the crib she focused again on the mobile and grabbed a small space ship figurine that Castle had attached with some wire. She almost laughed. She was almost happy, at a memory, as she stood in the remains of her deceased child's nursery, and she was disgusted with herself. Dropping her hand back to her side she found herself coiling up in the rocking chair that was placed in the corner of the room. Curling into the fetal position, she rocked herself to the slow peal of the mobile, and found herself humming to the song. Her head was nodding into her knees, but Kate couldn't find it in herself to leave for the comfort of a bed. She deserved to fall asleep uncomfortably squeezed in-between the arms of a hardwood rocking chair. It was the least she deserved. Humming again, she felt the frigid air from the vent stream onto her skin and shivered as goose bumps started to trail down her spine. She wrapped her legs closer to her body and let the final hums leave her throat before she succumbed to sleep. This is exactly what she deserved.

**Author's Note: Eeeee, done. Sorry this took so long, but I've been dealing with some things. Next chapter will definitely be up sooner. Thank you so much for reading, reviewing, favorite-ing, and what-have-you! It really makes my day. -Liz **


	8. Chapter 8- Without You

Chapter 8- Without You

**Wow, thank you all so much! I'm flabbergasted at the response to this story. Thank you all so much, and I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Special shout out to moonbeamsandstarshine for being the best everything I could ever ask for.**

The pale light from the alarm clock threw a blue hue onto the empty sheets beside him, a spotlight to his loneliness. The numbers seemed to taunt him with their subtle flicker, "ha ha, she's not here!" Letting out a grunt of frustration Castle flipped onto his other side letting the blue light fall on his unclothed back, _sleep, damn it, I just need some sleep_.

He tossed and turned for hours finding no comfort in his—their bed. His mind was only full of her, and his senses weren't helping him in his endeavor to slip into unconsciousness. He could smell her cherry shampoo in the sheets; when he did close his eyes he felt her phantom fingertips play along his back and arms; and behind his eye lids there was only her face. He threw the sheets off of himself in frustration and barreled into his study. Thrusting open his laptop he brought up a blank word document and began to free-write.

He poured it out, all his frustrations, anger, guilt, and hope oozed from his heart and manifested into the small black letters that began to litter the once empty page. Most of it was gibberish and incomplete. He would be talking about how he craved to feel her skin against his palm one second and then, without punctuation or transition, mention how terrified he had become of hospitals. It was just a complete release of emotion until his fingers stopped moving and just hovered over the keys. He knew what he wanted to write next, what he _needed_ to write next, but it was the first time in his life that he wasn't sure he wanted to manifest the words. Once he wrote it there would be tangible evidence that he had lost his baby, that his wife was slowly pulling away, and that he was sinking, and he wasn't sure he was ready for the story to be true. Holding the backspace key he deleted the few pages of nonsense and stared at the blinking cursor as it waited for him to begin.

_Let me tell you a story. . ._

* * *

The clock in the right corner of his monitor alerted him to the time, and he saved his document. He wasn't sure if he would ever come back to it, but he couldn't bring himself to delete it. Rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms, he steadily leaned back in his chair and let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room without the harsh light of his laptop. He felt lost within himself as his eyes roamed the bookshelves of his study. Richard Castle didn't know how to be a grieving father. He didn't know how to comfort his wife, or his mother and daughter, and it terrified him that he didn't know how to fix their situation. He had never had to entertain the idea that his second child wouldn't be born. That happened to other people. That happened to characters in novels or distant acquaintances and a simple, "I'm so sorry," is as far as he should have ever come to this situation. He's Richard fucking Castle, his life is supposed to be a dream! Pushing himself away from his computer desk he stalked around his study as he slowly tried to calm himself down. There was so much anger and frustration, and he was just so—so—

"Uhg!" he grunted, scratching his fingers against the side of his head. He couldn't even use his words. What was he? Disappointed, defeated, disheartened, aghast, beaten, despondent, hopeless, vanquished? He grappled with all these emotions, and yet none of the words seemed to encapsulate how deeply sorrowful and broken he _felt_. He came to a stop standing in the middle of the study in nothing but his Green Lantern boxers, and realized for the first time in his life he had no words to help him. He felt the tear trailing down his left cheek before he realized he was crying. Bitter and angry, he went to wipe it away, but let his hand fall back down to his side. Inhaling with a stuttered gasp and letting the tears just fall, he leaned his face up toward the ceiling. He was defeated, and as he felt the hot tears slide down onto his chest he was momentarily pleased that Kate wasn't there to see him.

It was a small sound that finally jarred Castle out of his solemn moment. Opening his eyes, he slowly came back to himself and realized it was a voice, Kate's voice. He wandered into their bedroom and it took him a moment to calm through the flitting panic when he realized she wasn't there. _That's right, she's upstairs_, he thought. He made his way quickly into the living room and up the stairs, but stopped when he reached the beginning of the hallway. This was his dream, his nightmare. Him, alone, finding Kate stabbed, bleeding, shot, murdered, dying, _Oh, God_. His heart was jack-hammering in his chest, and he felt fear prickle through his body.

"Rick." It was a whisper. A gargled mutter from her lips, but she called to him, and as always, he would follow. Slowly making his way down the hall his mind was desperately trying to separate dream from reality. He was getting flashbacks of her death from his nightmares along with moments of clear blue sky and too green grass tainted with her blood as it blossomed from her chest in a cemetery; or her crying out for him in their kitchen as blood slowly starts to stain her jeans as he helps her into a chair in their living room. He placed his hand on the icy knob of the guest bedroom when he heard her plead out again.

"Rick, please." He dropped his hand and turned his body to face the closed door of the nursery. _She wouldn't_, he pushed opened the door and stared at her shivering body curled into itself on the rocking chair in the corner. _She did_. He walked into the room and startled when the chime from the mobile over the crib hauntingly pierced through the room. He was letting out small pants as adrenaline surged through him as he approached Kate's sleeping form. Her entire body was trembling, and as he drew closer a shiver ran down his spine as cold air from the vent hit his bare back. He knelt down next to her body in the chair and hesitantly placed his hand on the side of her face. Her skin was freezing cold, but she unconsciously leaned her head into his palm seeming to migrate toward the warmth it was bringing.

"Kate, why are you doing this to yourself?" he sighed into her hair as he brought his lips to her forehead, cherishing this moment of contact with his wife. She let out a small moan and her teeth began to chatter. Deciding she can kill him later, he gently wrapped his arms under her legs and around her back and delicately lifted her from the chair. Her face seemed to grimace for a moment, but eased as her body canted into his, absorbing his heat. He shuffled out of the nursery and brought her into the guest room. Placing her slowly onto the bed, he maneuvered the sheets out from under her body and strewed them over her sleeping form. Castle desperately wanted to join her, snuggle onto the other side and cocoon her in his arms. Letting out a sigh he wandered toward the door and looked back at her as she whispered his name again in her sleep. _Give her space_.

"Until tomorrow, Kate," and again, as he closed the door, he found himself alone.

* * *

It was a cry that pierced through the blackness, a shrieking wail that caused Castle to run faster into the ether. There was no floor, no walls, just a damp circular darkness that seemed to encroach upon him the closer he was getting to the screaming. It was just like his other nightmares, but he knew the voice wasn't Kate's this time, and it both terrified and intrigued him. He blinked and found himself at the mouth of the hallway again. Turning around he saw nothing but what felt like tangible darkness. He knew there was a metaphor there, but the crying was closer than ever and it was a siren call to his weary mind. The nursery door materialized and he heard the sniffling and fussing of an infant on the other side of the hard wood in front of him. He reached for the knob but it crumbled in his hand when he went to turn it leaving nothing but sharp pieces in his hand.

"No," he stammered, and pounded on the door. "No, no. No!" He thumped his closed fists against the door as his no's fell on a nonexistent audience. "Open-" he threw his shoulder into the side of the door, "the fucking-" he threw all his weight into another thrust hoping to cause the door to splinter, "door!" Tears burned tracks down his face as he slumped forward resting his forehead against the wood and slid down onto the floor sobbing. The baby was still crying, begging for him to soothe her. She was alive, breathing and needing, but he couldn't help her, couldn't save her. As he slowly pulled himself into consciousness, away from his nightmares, his final thought still lingered as he opened his eyes in his dimly lit bedroom, _Kate was always better at breaking down doors_.

He sat up in bed rubbing his hands over his face, trying to wipe away the sleep and fear when his phone started to vibrate on the nightstand. He flicked his eyes to the clock, 6:41 and reached over to check the caller I.D. It was Jim Beckett.

* * *

"Morning, Jim, glad you could make it over." Rick stated as he held the loft door open for his father-in-law. Jim gave him a small smile at the greeting and stepping into the entryway of the loft he could see the fatigue etched into Rick's face. Every line seemed deeper, and the darkness under his eyes caused his face to carry an almost gaunt demeanor, but his eyes still gleamed, and as a tired smile pulled at his lips Jim knew he would make it out of this alright in the end.

"I'm sorry I called so early. I wanted to stop by before I had to go into the office to check up on Katie, but I guess she's still sleeping?" Rick nodded as he made his way into the kitchen.

"Would you like any coffee, Jim?" Rick offered.

"Yeah, I can have a quick cup." Jim followed him into the kitchen and slid onto one of the bar stools. He watched as his son-in-law filled two cups with the steaming dark liquid.

"How do you like it?" Rick asked as he made his way to the fridge to grab the vanilla creamer for himself.

"Just black, I've always liked it black," Rick nodded and poured a small amount of creamer into his cup. Jim let out a sigh and continued, "Johanna used to tease me, tell me I was too boring. She was always trying different creamers and different roasts, but I never changed how I drank mine. She called me her constant." He let out a small smile as Rick slid the cup in front of him and he let out a small thank you. It was refreshing to share little memories with someone who wasn't as bogged down with loss as him or Katie over his late wife. Rick just stood there, tentatively testing his coffee with slow slurps as he leaned his body against the sink facing Jim.

"Kate doesn't really talk about Johanna. Every once in a while she'll mention something small, like a favorite color or clothing brand, but it's always the superficial things, nothing too meaningful. I think she wants to keep those memories to herself still, doesn't want them to bleed into my books." He says it teasingly, but Jim can see the hurt behind his eyes; the unworthiness that he must feel when Katie withholds Johanna's memories from him. Jim shakes his head and blows on his coffee.

"She would have liked you," he takes a sip letting his words pull Rick in, "I'm sure Katie has told you that before, but I hope it sits differently with you now that I've said it. Jo wasn't always open to the boys that Katie brought home, and even after she—passed I could still tell which ones she wouldn't have approved of. You though, she would have adored you." Rick finally broke into a full smile and the fatigue seemed to melt from his face, making him look younger and happier.

"Thank you, Jim. I needed that today." The older man nodded and placed his half-drunk cup onto the counter and checked his watch, almost eight.

"Well, I hate to drink and run but they're expecting me." He stood up from his stool and Rick walked around the island, coffee still in hand, to escort him to the door.

"How about you come by for dinner? I think my mother and Alexis are going to be here, and I'm sure they'd love to see you again. It might help Kate a little bit to be surrounded by family." Jim nodded as he stopped at the front door and turned the knob letting himself out.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea. I'll stop and grab some dessert for everyone and we'll make a night of it." Jim held a smile as Rick extended his hand to him for a goodbye shake. Jim shook his head and confusion flashed across Rick's face before Jim stepped forward and wrapped him in a full embrace. Jim felt Rick tense under his arms, but finally felt the other man's hands come around his back and return the squeeze.

"I'll see you in a few hours, let me know if you need anything. Anything at all," Jim pulled away and could see a glossiness in Rick's eyes as he nodded his head.

"Yeah, I will, th—thanks, Jim." Jim smiled and clapped his hand on Rick's left shoulder before turning and heading down the hallway.

"Anytime, Son," he responded, and as Castle watched his wife's father reach the elevator he quickly closed the door before the older man could see the tear escape down the right side of his face.

**Author's Note: Bam! There it is. I needed to show more of Castle, and how he was feeling, and it worked really well with the tie in with Papa Beckett. I posted this one quite a bit faster because I feel like I owed you guys for taking so long with the last chapter, so consider this my apology. I hope you enjoyed it and, as always, I appreciate every review/comment/pm/like/and follow; they all explode my email and my heart with giddiness. Happy Castle Monday and try to prepare yourselves for the coming preview of Still tonight. I know I'll be the one in the corner with the tissues and ice cream fangirling on the floor. -Liz**


	9. Chapter 9- Steps

Chapter 9- Steps

**I'm sorry if you have to go back to refresh yourselves. I'm terrible and I know it.**

"Goodbye, Nikki."

Kate's eyes flew open, taking in deep breaths as her tears mingled with the sweat drenching her face. It was scorching. Whatever she was wrapped in was cooking her in her skin, and Kate clawed at the material clinging to her body to escape the blistering temperature. Her pulse was erratic as she thrashed in the bed, stuck between a cognitive nightmare and a delirious consciousness. Fires, bombs, and a burning, blistering heat flooded her disturbed mind as she grappled to remove herself from the offending cloth. Finally breaking herself out of the sheets, Kate over compensated her final flail and tumbled out of the bed landing with a resounding thud on her side.

"Son of a –", Kate groaned through her teeth as pain flared up from her lower abdomen, taunt skin pulling against her stitches. Panting and twisting to lie on her back, Kate tentatively placed her fingers on the aggravated skin; her face writhing in a grimace when her fingertips came in contact with the dressing. Leaning herself forward, she gazed down her body to find where her fingers had landed. The edging of the bandage had started to fray and pull away from her skin, but there was no new blood, so her stitches must still be intact.

Kate closed her eyes and leaned back against the plush carpet of the guest room. "You're fine, you're not burning. You—you're okay," she stuttered to herself as she rubbed her trembling hands over her face. _I'm not dead._ Her heart was hammering and, if she wasn't so crazed at the moment, she could have sworn she could still smell burning flesh and hair. It had been too hot. Her nightmare about her first apartment's fire, of car and floor bombs and undetonated explosives was causing her anxiety to spike. Kate placed a hand on the comforter that had accompanied her down onto the floor and could still feel the moisture from her sweat. Fingering the material, Kate sat up slowly furrowing her brow. It had just hit her that she hadn't fallen asleep in this room and couldn't remember being brought in. The implication that someone had helped her out of her baby's nursery and into this luscious bed disgusted her. She deserved no such treatment, nor comfort; why had it been given?

"Kate!" Castle bellowed as he threw open the door making her jump, twisting her body and her stitches again. _God they're gonna pull out of my skin_. Castle barreled into the room, rushing to her side as he crouched down beside her, already overanalyzing her condition. He slowly brought his hands up to her shoulders but hovered from touching her, still very wary of her "no touching" policy.

"Castle, I'm fine, really. I had a bad dream and I just fell out of the bed." She was staring at his hands, willing them away from her body.

"Can I help you up? Are your stitches okay? Is there anything I can do for you?" He was pleading. He needed her and she couldn't give him anything. Bringing her hand back up to her face she wiped away more sweat that had begun to drip off her chin. She had to help him. He was her everything, her one-and-done, her writer, her Castle. She couldn't just leave him in the cold, especially since he hadn't left her in the nursery.

Kate slowly bobbed her head, "Yeah, can you – help me up?" It was all she had left to give, contact.

Castle's eyes widened in surprise as he stood up to help her to her feet, "Yeah, yeah I can do that." It hurt her to see him so giddy about helping her up. God she was pathetic.

He lowered his hands out to her and she eased her quaking palms to rest against his. She was waiting for the burning to return. For the heat from his body to sting her flesh, but she was met with nothing. There was no spark of pain or desire, no cold or clamminess, just his hands encasing hers as he pulled her up from the floor of the guestroom. No agony, no passion, no connection; it was almost blasphemous. Her body always reacted to his, whether through blisteringly ecstatic caresses or warm lingering strokes. There should be some sort of reaction, some sort of feeling, but as he brought her to her feet and rubbed small circles on the back of her hands, mimicking his sensual actions of so long ago, she understood that that part of them was broken, and it was going to take a miracle to fix it.

Kate lowered her hands from his, allowing his fingers to linger against hers. Shame had crept into her heart. He looked so ecstatic, euphoric even, at this small meaningless gesture. He looked like she had given him his heart's desire, when it felt like nothing more than a meaningless trinket.

"Thank you, Castle." She mumbled, slowly bringing her hands up and out of his embrace to grip her upper arms. She didn't want to look him in the eye; she didn't want to see how elated he was with this small gesture.

"You're welcome, Kate." His voice was tainted with mild fragments of pain and pleasure; his words giving so much away. "Are you sure you're alright? Your skin is blazing hot, do you have a fever?" He brought his hand up to place against her forehead. Kate startled out of his reach and back up to the bathroom doorway digging her nails into her arms. And there it was, his tortured face etched with confusion. She could let him touch her hands, assist her, but god forbid he wanted to check her temperature.

"Yes, yes, I'm f—fine. I'm fine." Kate rebuffed solidly. "I'm just going to shower and then I'll be down for breakfast."

"Lunch. It's after noon." Castle corrected her has he took a step back and placed his hands in his pockets.

Kate's eyebrows rose at his statement. "It's that late already?" She hadn't slept in that late since their honeymoon.

"Yeah, you're dad's already been by to check up on you. I brought him up to date, and him and I talked for a bit, thought it would be best to let you sleep." More kindness that she didn't think she deserved. "I invited him back over for dinner, hope that's alright."

Kate nodded, "Yeah, I'd like to see him. Sorry about missing this morning." She met his eye to try and convey that she wasn't only sorry for breakfast. She was sorry for so many things: losing their baby, pushing him away, abandoning him and his family. So many important things.

"It's alright, you needed to rest." He responded with a halfcocked smile. God, she hoped he understood.

"I'm gonna clean up," Kate stated, pointing over her shoulder as she slowly backed farther into the en suite bathroom, "I'll be down in a bit."

"I'll have lunch ready." She smiled as best she could and closed the bathroom door.

Her clothes had begun to stick to her over-heated body, and the adhesive for her dressing was almost completely removed. Kate began to shuck off her clothing and slowly peeled away the old bandage. Her stitches didn't look enflamed, only agitated. _No more flopping around on the floor, Katie_. Stepping into the shower, Kate aligned the nozzle all the way to the cold side of the dial and pulled the knob to start the water. The droplets felt like small bits of frozen ice beating against her skin as they gushed from the overhead nozzle. Her skin prickled with goose flesh against the sensation as Kate brought her head under the torrent. The temperature knocked the breath from her lungs, but she kept her head underneath the flow. She let the biting cold settle against her flesh and slip into the cracks in her armor. The frigid liquid dulled her over-sensitized skin, and calmed her body. The cold encased her, allowed her a reprieve from the passionate heat of life. A reprieve, she realized, as she placed her shivering hands on her still engorged yet empty body, she desperately needed.

* * *

"Hi, Katie."

"Hi, Dad," Kate answered as she ushered her father into the loft. He stepped over the threshold and enveloped her in his warm embrace. Her entire body screamed to be let go, her skin crawled at the contact and she kept her arms down in hopes that he would see her discomfort. He didn't. He drew her in tighter, rubbing his palms across her back. The contact was suffocating and the carefully constructed demeanor that Kate had rebuilt after that morning was starting to shatter. A small groan escaped from the back of her throat and she cursed herself for the startled look her father had on his face as he stepped back from her in response.

"Katie, are you okay? I'm sorry, was I squeezing too tight?" This affection was going to end her. _Yes, play off the discomfort as physical pain. He doesn't need to know you can't stand to be touched._

"Yeah, sorry, Dad it's been a few hours since I took my meds." _Great, more lies._ Her father's concern seeped from his eyes, and she put on her best smile. "It's alright, Dad, I'm okay." And as he rubbed his hand up the side of her arm in comfort to her lies, it took everything in Kate's power not to rebuff him and stumble away.

As Kate and her father walked farther into the loft everyone seemed to be predisposed. Castle was still at the stove, taste testing his homemade sauce. Alexis and Martha were putting the finishing touches to the salad and the deviled eggs, respectfully. Jim seemed to slide right into the flow of the kitchen, even going so far as to help set the table after he was greeted with warm welcomes. Kate was watching a perfect family unit, cohesively flit about, and she realized that she could no longer recall where her personal puzzle piece fit into the overall picture. It took her longer than normal to distinguish the tingling feeling on the back of her neck that she felt when being watched. Castle was bringing the alfredo sauce to the table, watching her intently as he placed the pot on a trivet. He could see it, her self-realization that she no longer fit in with their family, and she was just waiting to see his eyes flicker to her belly in remembrance.

"Katherine, dear, could you help Alexis cut this chicken? She seems to be butchering her task, no pun intended." Martha called out to her, a calm voice in the harsh waters that Kate had found herself drifting in. Kate made her way over to the teen who seemed all too eager to include her in the putting together of this dinner. Kate picked up the knife and made quick work of the grilled chicken breast while Alexis watched her.

"How did you learn to cut so cleanly?" Alexis asked, as Kate cleaned the knife and swept the chicken pieces into their respected bowl.

"My mother taught me." Kate answered, feeling her lips turn up into a small grin at the mention of her mom. "She taught me everything I know about food." It was true, Johanna Beckett was an amazing cook, and many of Kate's fondest memories were of the two of them in the kitchen.

"Katie and Jo were excellent chefs. When Katie was little I'd come home and find the two of them wrist deep in some type of crazy confection almost every night. Couldn't keep her out of the kitchen." Jim added as he took a seat in one of the island stools to include himself in the conversation.

"Don't over-exaggerate, Dad." Kate retorted, rolling her eyes as she moved to add the chicken to the table. It was almost normal. There was still an ache in her chest, her stitches were still irritated her, and her womb was still barren, but in this small moment her life almost felt normal again.

"I think everything's ready," Castle reported as he pulled back Kate's chair so she could sit next to him. Martha took the seat to Kate's left, and Alexis joined Jim on the opposite end of the table, content in each other's company. Kate took a final look at the spread and her breath caught in her throat. They had made her favorites. Grilled chicken alfredo, deviled eggs with the smallest bit of paprika; the salad was dressed with Martha's homemade vinaigrette that Kate had fallen in love with. There was garlic bread that was cooked so that the crust was still a little soft, and she was sure that she had only told Castle once that she loved it that way. They had all put together a dinner of her favorite things, and it pained Kate to sit in the company of such selfless people. They should hate her, like she hated herself. They should have pushed her from their lives as her body had pushed out the life of her baby. She had ruined them, her body had betrayed them, and yet they still encase her with devotion.

"Thank you," Kate stuttered, as everyone started to pass around bowls and baskets. "Thank you all so much."

Martha placed her hand next to Kate's, palm up in invitation, "You're so welcome, darling." Kate focused on the older woman's hand next to her, so inviting, on the table and slowly slide her hand to rest gently on top of Martha's. She could feel Castle's eyes on her again, and the light chatter between her father and Alexis had died down as they all focused on this moment. Martha entwined their fingers and gave Kate's hand a small squeeze, and for the first time since the death of her child Kate felt a bit of her heart heal in this one small gesture.

**Author's Note: I feel terrible you guys, like, I feel like I Britta'd this whole thing. I'm so sorry it took me so long to update. I'm repulsed by my actions and have no intention of repeating this atrocity! Next chapter should be up early next week. Gotta get Kate a little bit better before I bring her back down again. -Liz**


	10. Chapter 10- Fallout

Chapter 10- Fallout

**Thank you guys so much for your kind words and understanding. I don't deserve wonderful readers like you**.

**For Moonbeamsandstarshine. Thank you for reminding me I can move past anything, even if I remember it all too well.**

* * *

"Kate, you need to take your medication."

"I'm fine, Castle. I don't need it." Her response was sharp and direct; no room for retaliation or judgmental rebuttals. Rick pictured her scowl and could already tell that any type of pressure would only result in another blow up. _Another blow up_, he closed his eyes and picked up her bottle of prescription medication that had been sitting on the kitchen counter, neglected. The bottle felt heavy in his hand, and as he slowly ran his thumb over Kate's name, he realized that the small text was nothing but a disparaging reminder of life's little ironies.

With lips pressed into a hard line, he had to restrain himself from stomping with frustration into the study where Kate was huddled in a plush armchair. It was her new getaway spot, and he could usually find her curled into herself, eyes open, staring out the window. He approached with an air of defiance as he came to a stop to the side of her, feeling a conflicting sense of desire as he stared down at her profile. Her outfit was simple, just leggings and a baggy shirt he was sure was his; her hair was pulled up into a messy bun that let tendrils of her soft, brown hair frame her face and curl gently around her neck. He wanted to touch her, to caress the side of her jaw with his hands and feel her heart beat quicken under his simple ministrations. It would be so simple to walk over to her and slowly kiss up her neck and nuzzle into the wisps of hair left to dangle and entice him. But she already had a hardened look upon her face, and with her clenched jaw accompanied by the pulsating vein in the center of her forehead he knew this was going to end badly. And still, even though he could predict the outcome, he still thrust the medicine into her peripheral view and waited for her to react.

"What do you think bringing them to me was going to change, Castle?" Her voice was still steady, yet laced with hits of malice. "I don't want them. I'm not going to take them and, unless you plan on pinning me down and forcing them down my throat, every single one of those pills is going to stay in that bottle."

"You need to take these, Kate. Your doctor warned you of infections and you can't just ignore me this time, I won't let you." _This time._ He probably shouldn't have thrown her shooting, and his lack of involvement, into her face but he was desperate. He felt himself wince slightly as the muscles in her throat contracted, causing her shoulders to twist into her body and her clavicle to become more pronounced as she maneuvered around to glare at him.

"Really," her voice was harsher now. A strict staccato that pierced at his resolve, "you're going to bring that up now? How many times do I need to apologize for that, Castle? How many times will you continue to hold my old sins over me even though I have begged for your forgiveness?" There were no tears, but the emotion that dripped from her syllables was causing him to ache with regret.

His heart screamed for him to apologize; to beg her forgiveness and wrap himself around her and maybe, together, they could find themselves again. His heart wailed for her companionship, but his brain, the part that twisted and over analyzed, reminded him that humans are creatures of habit and that they never really change. And, as his fist tightened around the pill bottle and his other hand pressed into his temple, his brain won.

"Fine," he threw the pills across the room, hitting a picture frame off the book shelf causing the glass to break and Kate to startle at the abrupt noise. "I'm done taking care of you Kate." His voice was deep and guttural, and as Kate analyzed him he saw her eyes widen slightly with shock when she met his eye. He had never taken the time to scrutinize his appearance when he got into one of these moods, but from the way panic sliced across Kate's face he was guessing it mimicked the way he must have looked when he entered the room of the man who had helped kidnap Alexis.

"I'm done being ignored by you, Kate. I'm done pretending I'm okay while you wallow in self-pity but don't accept help from _anyone_ who tries to connect with you!" She looked away from him, not able to meet his eye as he continued his rant, flood gates bubbling forth all of the emotion he's held in the past two weeks since leaving the hospital.

"I'm done trying to stop you from going to the precinct, and yet reprimanded when I want to accompany you to your gynecologist appointments to be supportive of this situation we've found ourselves in!" She clenched her eyes closed, trying to hide from his words. Her mouth slimmed to a thin line as she squeezed her lips together. Yeah, that had stung the most. When he found out the only reason she had followed through with her gynecologist visit was because Gates refused to let her back to work until she received a clean bill of health. They had fought then too, but it had mostly been him pleading with her to take care of herself, to which she confuted with her usual, "I don't need you to take care of me, Castle!"

"_This is my life, Castle, MY LIFE!" Yeah, people don't change, just the connotation of their semantics._

"I'm done trying to make excuses when your dad or Lanie calls and you don't even bother with the phone. And I'm especially done with the way you've been treating _MY _family!" Her throat bobbed and her eyes flew open at his exclamation; his voice ridiculously louder than when he had begun. He punctuated the end of his sermon with all of the torment he had felt every time she cringed from his gentle hand, wanting nothing more but affection and camaraderie in his wallowing grief over their child.

He finally closed his eyes, chest heaving as a weight seemed to lift from him. The muscles in his neck and torso seemed to release and, as he inhaled, he finally felt the oxygen expand every chamber of his lungs for the first time in two and a half weeks. Kate had yet to respond to his tirade, but he felt better for saying everything out loud instead of thinking it to himself as he drifted to sleep alone in their bed. His eyelids slowly slid open and he almost startled at the blank, frigid shallowness behind Kate's stare. She wasn't meeting is eyes and seemed to be focused just over his shoulder. Her face was limp and unresponsive as the seconds ticked by, slowly dwindling her socially acceptable time to rebuttal.

Her gaze finally shifted to meet his, but her eyes were still hallow. She lightly licked her lips, Rick's eyes quickly darting down and back again as his attention was caught by the swift flick of her pink tongue, and sat up a bit straighter on an audible inhale.

"Your family?" _What? _Castle was slightly taken aback by the meekness of her trembling voice. Had he said that? Oh, god. . .he had. She continued, spurred by his confusion. "It's _your_ family now, Castle. A miscarriage and I'm out, is that it?" He blanched.

"No, what? Kate, that's not what I—god, how can you think—?!"

"No, you're right, Castle. It is your family: your perfectly healthy mother who loves you and hugs you and fawns over you every day. Who got to see you graduate college and have children and get married." Her voice was cold and sarcastic. He was expecting tears and sobbing along with this type of admission and past dredging, but Kate kept her face emotionless, only allowing her words to accentuate her despondency. "And your beautiful, wonderful daughter who got to play laser tag with you, who you got to read to and touch. The daughter who needed her hair just right on her first day of kindergarten and who still gets excited when you put a test she got an A on up on the fridge. Yep, you're right, it's your family. I keep forgetting I don't have any of that."

He had no comeback. No, no, no that wasn't where he was going with this AT ALL! How could she believe that he would think that, he didn't mean it in that context? Of course she had family like that; she had been adopted the second his mother had found out how much he adored her, and he found himself enamored with her and Alexis's ever growing friendship. There was no soothing balm his silver tongue could craft to squelch the burns of their words. As he tried to gather his thought to fix the horrid twist his speech had taken, Kate stood up swiftly from the couch without saying another word and made her way up the stairs into the guest room.

He wanted to follow her, and fix this repugnant turn their relationship had taken. Taking a hard inhale he made his way into the living room only to see her making her way back down the stairs with a small duffle bag slung over her shoulder. His diaphragm twisted in panic and he found himself almost choking on the words he needed to force her to hear. _Don't leave me_.

Kate slipped into her worn kicks that she had left at the door and Castle still wasn't able to speak. He stood there, mouth agape, remorse and pain bleeding from his face. He stumbled his way towards her as she went to grab the door handle.

"Kate—, "her name escaped his new-found muteness and she paused her fingers on the doorknob. She needed to know that he loved her. She needed to know that he would always love her. Babies or no babies, family or no family, as long as the two of them were together they could make it. He only needed her.

"No, Rick. I've already resigned myself to your astute observation so I think I'll go spend some time with the only family I have left. I have been ignoring him for a while now as you so callously pointed out. Call me when a vacancy opens up." Her words dripped with poison and he found himself aghast as the door slowly closed upon her exit.

Rick Castle found himself kneeling in front of his door as if his exoneration of its existence would bring her back to him. His heart and brain were no longer warring, but were both blindingly numb. His torment constricted his pectoral muscles again causing his breath to be staggered and wheezy. His brain was diluted and blurry. Time no longer existed as it tried to process every iota of their conversation to play it back over and over and over through his mind, stuck on his own personal hellish loop. The two parts of his persona that had segmented his personality were now joined by a small, timid third party that seemed to expand to fill the gaps left by the ravaged remains of his brain and heart. This third piece, his inner child, allowed him to weep and sputter through a sudden tantrum-like outburst that flowed through his body. He heaved, pounding his sweaty palms against the hard wood of his entryway, finding solid ground against the tumult that was his thoughts.

_She left, she left, they always leave_.

He let out a sepulchral howl as the eight year old boy that made his living off of epic adventures in fictional worlds; that never grew up because he never had anyone to really teach him how; who was tossed aside first by his father, than his mother, his first love, his two wives finally realized he had been left again. Rick curled in on himself in front of the door of his loft allowing his soul to release the pain it had been harboring for far too long, and that was how Alexis Castle found her father the next morning.

Her father: the boy who only ever wanted to be wanted.

* * *

**Author's Note: Here it is guys! Leave a review and tell me what you think. -Liz**


	11. Chapter 11- Gloves Off

**Chapter 11- Gloves Off**

**Wow, you guys are amazing! That last chapter blew up my email from all the reviews, faves, and the follows so thank you all so much.**

**It means the world to me.**

"Dad?!" Alexis dropped her bag and keys to the floor as she rushed over to the quivering husk that was her father; her frightened exclamation piercing through his sobs in the otherwise silent loft.

"Dad, what's wrong? Are you hurt? Did something happen? Do I need to call 9-1-1? D—Dad?!" She was starting to hyperventilate as her father continued to ignore her slew of garbled questions. Everything seemed to be going too fast, and yet her eyes were soaking in every detail as if she had had hours to memorize the scene. He was wearing the darker jeans that Alexis had heard Kate say she loved on him. His shirt, although horribly tear stained and wrinkly, was a pale green that she knew he had bought because he liked to match Kate's eyes, even if his color only made hers more vibrant. His hair was a mess, and Alexis could count five, no six, grays along his right temple contrasting against his normal dark brown. His chest was heaving, but he wasn't choking, and she was positive she had never heard a sound akin to the ones that were coming out of his mouth. It sounded like his soul was screaming.

She helped him into a sitting position on the floor, unable to lift him herself, and brought his back to rest against the wall. She ran her hands up and down his arms, perched on her haunches between his knees, trying to sooth him as his head hung and slightly swayed as he started to hiccup from his bawling.

"Dad, I don't see any blood, and you're not screaming like anything's broken. Please," Alexis choked out, almost starting to cry herself, "what's wrong? Please, Daddy." Her bottom lip began to quiver as her father finally looked up at her, his chest lurching every-so-often as he continued to hiccup. His eyes were swimming in unshed tears, bloodshot and puffy. His nose was slightly running, and because he had become congested, he was breathing heavily through his mouth. His hot breath was panting in her face, and she had the smallest synapse of gratefulness that he had brushed his teeth recently.

Finally, his gritty voice cracked from his lips like it was being forcefully squeezed from his larynx, "Kate's gone, and I don't think she's coming back."

* * *

It was the glass of wine that probably tipped her grandmother off that something was wrong; in hindsight, if she had been trying to hide her problems, she could have just taken shots of the imported tequila her father kept in the liquor cabinet instead of getting drunk slowly in the kitchen. Alexis never drank alone, and the fact that she was nursing a large portion of Lambrusco in Martha's signature Whole-Bottle-in-One-Go chalice, it was obvious that she really wasn't trying to be subtle about the existence of a problem. Her Gram placed her turquoise crocodile and bamboo-handle purse at the end of the kitchen island, eyebrows raised in a quiet speculation. Alexis ignored her, and continued to sip at her sweet red wine, swirling it around after each small gulp. Martha flitted around the kitchen, grabbing her own wine glass and filling a generous portion, and turned to join Alexis at the island; not prying until Alexis was ready to share. A small smile tugged at Alexis's lips, her Gram was so boisterous and flamboyant, but when it mattered, she was the perfect listener.

Alexis let out a small sigh and Martha put her glass to her lips. If anyone could give her advice on how to deal with this it would be her grandmother.

"Kate left." Martha choke/spit her wine back into the glass and began to lightly cough. "Oh, Gram I'm so sorry. Here," she handed Martha a napkin, "use this. I'm sorry I've just been drinking awhile already and I don't really have a filter anymore." Martha waved away her apology as she wiped her mouth and brought her coughing under control.

"No, darling, I'm fine, I was just caught a little unaware. You can't spring that kind of information on a person, Alexis, maybe go for a bit more finesse next time, hm?" Her grandmother: always the diva. "Where's your father, dear? Did he go after her?"

"He's in his study." The anger she was hoping to squelch with her wine seemed to still boil her intoxicated blood. "He stalked in there after telling me she left. I found him curled up in front of the door to the loft, crying like a baby. I thought he'd broken something, or—or worse, you know? He had me panicking and then he stormed away and wouldn't talk to me anymore, mumbling something about having to write." She took a deep breath, not realizing she had started to progressively rant, and wet her lips with more wine.

"Oh, sweetheart," Martha cooed as she stood and wrapped Alexis in a startlingly strong hug. Alexis let go of her glass and wrapped her arms around her grandmother's waist, nuzzling into the shoulder of the bright pink suit jacket Martha wore. Alexis inhaled the scent of her Gram's perfume on a staggered breath as her lip began to tremble again and tears threatened to fall.

"I just thought she was different, Gram. I didn't think she'd leave Dad. . . leave me." Alexis sat up and rubbed the tears out of her eyes, her grandmother still holding onto her waist. "But, I should be used to it, right?" Alexis twisted her lips into a sarcastically sad smile and she saw her Gram's face fall a little bit more into despair.

"Alexis," her grandmother pulled her close, again and let her continue to cry. "Kate and your father are just trying to cope with their loss, darling. This whole experience is completely new to them, new to you! People aren't the same after they go through a trauma like this, so they just need to find each other again; find their love again. It's going to take work from everyone to get back to normal, but we'll all be stronger for it."

Alexis shook her head into her grandmother's shoulder, "She's just like all the others. She's just like Mom. She isn't coming back, and I don't think Dad's going to chase her this time."

Martha drew Alexis back, with a quick jerking motion causing Alexis to let out a small squeak. "Alexis Harper Castle, how dare you compare Kate Beckett's actions to those of _Meredith_!" Martha practically spat out her mother's name, the animosity seemed almost tangible. "Kate is grieving. The last time she had to deal with the kind of emotions that are whirl-winding inside her mind her mother had just been murdered, darling. _Your_ mother made very poor life decisions, and as a result, missed out on having the blessed opportunity to have a real relationship with you, kiddo." Martha cupped the side of Alexis's face and rubbed a tear that had escaped her eye off her cheek. They both held a watery smile for the other as Martha continued. "It's not an excuse for her actions, Alexis, Kate shouldn't have run away. I'm just trying to show you were her mind is. Kate just needs someone to remind her that she's not alone. I know your father has been trying, but he's not really good with the grieving process either. And it seems unwise for two broken souls to only rely on each other for comfort and repair."

Alexis bit her lip, a nervous habit she had picked up, and reached into her pocket. "She didn't just grab clothes and go for the weekend, Gram. I think she's gone for good." With a slightly shaking hand she produced Kate's wedding ring and showed it to her Grandmother whose face fell in a look of utter flabbergasted-ness.

"Well," Martha started, plucking the ring up from Alexis's palm. She held the ring delicately with two fingers, twisting it ever so slightly so it caught the light, "this might take a bit more work than originally thought, but will you still help me bring her back?"

"No," Alexis replied quietly letting a coy smile spread slowly across her face. "I'll help you bring her _home_."

* * *

Martha had called Jim who had verified that Kate was indeed hiding out in his brownstone outside the city which is how Alexis now found herself on a train bound for the suburbs. They had given Kate a day to contact any of them, and after yesterday had come and gone it was time to put their plan into action. Well, it wasn't really a plan per se (Alexis had argued over the semantics of it), it was more of a hard suggestion bolstered by true feelings and unbound affection. And with Kate's wedding ring burning a hole in her pocket, Alexis waited impatiently to confront her step-mom.

* * *

Kate felt horrible.

Her body ached if she moved too quickly in almost any direction, and her work out regiment seemed to have no effect on her still protruding baby bump. But she felt horrible beyond the physicality of her situation. She hadn't slept well in days and was in a constant state of exhaustion. Her mind seemed sluggish, like it was trying to constantly run through waste deep water, and every once in a while she just wanted to cry. She felt cramped and clustered inside her own head, squished between all of the emotions that now seemed to call the place home. And to top it all off she had run away.

She had spent the first night at her father's curled up in her old bed crying. She hadn't been thinking clearly, and she knew she should have turned back. _Why didn't I turn back?_ Kate had sobbed into her dad's lap after he had come home to find her in her room. She didn't even feel compelled to push him away when he cradled her to him and murmured words of solace and comfort into her hair as he held her. She had stopped crying long enough to tell him what she had done, what her and Rick had fought about, and he had been the one to ask if they were getting a divorce. The question had caught her off guard, but she soon realized her father had come to that conclusion when he had noticed that her wedding band wasn't on her finger. . .which triggered more water works.

When she had hastily made her exit, she had left all of her personal items on the dresser: her father's watch, her mother's ring, and her wedding band; she felt naked and vulnerable without them, like pieces of her soul were missing. At the time she had just needed to leave the loft, get away from Castle and his accusations that were so true that they burned and scarred her heart. And now, without the three pieces that made her feel like herself, she wanted nothing more to return to her home and her family.

_His family._

Kate rubbed at her sternum, feeling the pull of her scar and a phantom burn in her chest, thinking about how he had uttered those words. He hadn't meant it, he had tried to apologize for them, but the words were still there; they still rang through her ears as she tried to sleep that first night away from her home. They were the same words that forced her into lucidity in the early hours of the morning as she shuddered awake with tears glistening across her face.

And now it was late afternoon and she was sitting at her father's coffee table in one of Castle's baggy button downs that she had packed for herself, a tank top, and sweat pants. Her phone was taunting her from across the table, and it took all of her willpower to finally pick it up. She was greeted with his contact ID as she thumbed through to call him. He had been sleeping when she had taken the picture; his hair floppy without the careful and deliberate addition of product and his face serene and childlike smashed into the side of the pillow with his mouth slightly open. She stroked his face on the screen and felt the tears start to build up again. _No, no more!_ She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, _I'm done crying. I just have to call him!_ Letting out a slow breath she readied her finger over the button—

And then the knock on the door almost made her drop her phone.

Kate let out a light growl and swung her legs off the end of the seat she was in and trudged to the entryway. "Who is it?" she asked through the door, realizing there was no peephole. There was no answer, just another, harder succession of knocks. "WHO IS IT?" Kate bellowed again, this time hearing feet shift on the other side.

"It's Alexis." Kate's stomach fell and she felt her diaphragm convulse. She slowly slid out the chain lock and un-did the dead bolt but kept her hand steady on the knob.

"Are you there, Kate?" Kate let out the breath she was holding and turned the knob. She opened her eyes to the sight of the young red head looking completely out of her element. Alexis was biting her lip and twitching her foot against the mat under neither her shoes while trying to look headstrong. She had come all the way out here for what?

"Hi, Alexis," Kate uttered, hiding half of her body behind the door, almost out of fear, mostly because she was embarrassed. "Did your dad send you?" She kept her tone light, like she hadn't been about to call Castle and sob into the phone all of the different ways she knew how to say 'sorry'.

"No, I came on my own. He's probably still locked in his study, alone. He's been in there since you left him on the floor the other day." Alexis responded harshly. Kate winced, there was nothing forgiving about her tone.

"I'm so sor—"

"No. I don't want to hear your apologies until I've said my piece, Kate." Alexis's interruption had caught Kate off-guard and the detective opened the door a bit wider to permit her entrance into her father's home.

"Yeah, okay. Come on in."

Alexis crossed the threshold and made her way into the living room. Kate closed the door, relocked it, and placed her head against the door for a quick second to steady her focus. _God, let her be in a forgiving mood, _and as Kate sat tentatively on the couch across from Alexis she added a quick addendum to her impromptu prayer:

_And please don't let her hate me._

**Author's Note: Aaaaaa, I'm sorry! Don't hate me for the cliffhanger! Thank you all so much for your constant support and, as always, let me know what you think in a quick (or long and detailed, those work too) review. They're like lifeblood for authors, I swear. **

**I hope everyone had a great weekend!**

**-Liz **


	12. Chapter 12- Harsh Words and Opened Eyes

**Chapter 12- Harsh Words and Opened Eyes**

**You guys are the best readers a writer can ask for! All the favs, all the reviews, all the follows, I honestly didn't think anyone would be interested in my little story, but time and time again I'm left speechless at your responses. Thank you all so very much.**

**To Moonbeamsandstarshine, because you gave me a deadline.**

She hadn't said anything since she entered the living room. To be fair Kate hadn't either, but Alexis had seemed so ready to verbally berate her that it was a little off kilter that the young woman had lost her fire so quickly. There was a tangible weight in the stagnant air of the living room; a pressure that was weighing on Kate's every thought. The words would come. Alexis wouldn't restrain her outburst forever and Kate honestly didn't know if she was going to be able to take this incessant silence between the two of them for much longer.

It started with a deep breath. Kate had her knees up to her chest on the recliner that her father favorited when Alexis sat up a bit straighter on her end of the couch slightly to the left of Kate's position, breathing in deep in preparation for her monologue. She watched as the younger woman righted her body and Kate closed her eyes and placed her forehead to her knees. This was her step-daughter, his daughter, her friend. God this was going to hurt.

"I was there on your wedding day." Kate looked up, expecting to see Alexis's stark blue eyes piercing her; instead, she was met with fidgeting hands and trembling lips. _Oh, God_.

"I've technically been there for every single one of my dad's weddings. But, whether I was a fetus or a flower girl I never really felt included in his marriages until he married you." Kate had been holding her breath. She hadn't been prepared for an anecdote, especially about her wedding and the non-confrontational topic was setting her into a deeper unease.

"He married you because he loved you. There were no strings attached to your marriage, Kate. He wasn't doing it out of—of chivalry or for my benefit like his other ones. He wanted to marry you for you, and this is how you reciprocate?" Kate cringed into herself and wrapped her arms around her legs a bit tighter. She had half of her brain screaming, _This isn't fair_, while the other was waiting for Alexis to finish before she stood up for herself.

A small ping reverberated off of the coffee table and Kate's eyes followed the haphazard rolling of the small object that Alexis had tossed onto the dark wood. The white gold of the wedding band glared off the darkness of the oak table and Kate's stomach dropped as she realized why Alexis had started with the wedding.

_She thinks I'm leaving_.

"Alexis, it's not—".

"I'm not done," Alexis replied acidicly. Kate closed her mouth at Alexis's statement. She had never heard something so harshly spoken by the young woman, and it caused a slight tremor to run down Kate's spine. The discordant glare from Alexis coupled with her words caused Kate to lower her eyes to the ring still on the table. She wanted to grab it and heat the cold metal with the warmth of her hands. It was Castle's symbol to her, his corporeal manifestation of his love for her and Alexis assumed it was so easy to be rid of it. With another look at Alexis who seemed to be staring her down, Kate leaned forward and plucked the ring off the table, knowing that Alexis's eyes were still boring through her.

"Don't you dare put that back on," Alexis croaked through her scowl and tear-welling eyes. Kate set her jaw and placed the ring back on her finger, watching from the corner of her eye as tears escaped down Alexis's face.

"Your father gave me this ring, Alexis, and until he tells me to give it back I will _always_ put it back on." Kate responded with a calm tone. There was no point in being angry, Alexis was just trying to protect her father, and her assumptions about a divorce shouldn't be held against her.

Alexis shook her head, the frown deepening on her face as the tears began to fall. "You don't just get to put it back on like everything is fine, Kate. You don't get to traipse back into the loft like you didn't just run away." Her voice was heavy, slurred, and full of sorrow. "I had to pick my dad up off the floor when you left! Do you know what that's like?! Seeing someone you love turn into a hallow shell of their former self? And _you_ did that to him."

Nope, Kate was done letting Alexis talk.

"No, just—just stop, Alexis!" Kate stood up with her exclamation, her voice booming through the high-ceilinged brownstone. She couldn't sit anymore, her body was starting to jitter. "Of course I know what that's like! I had to pick up my dad for five years, Alexis. Five-fucking-years, and that doesn't count the amount of times I had to wash the puke out of his clothes, or his bed sheets. Or the times I stayed up to make sure he didn't suffocate on his own vomit in the night. Or—or, my personal favorite, the late night runs to the ER to get his stomach pumped! So, yeah, I have an idea of what you had to go through . . . once." She really shouldn't be unloading all of this past baggage onto Alexis. It wasn't fair. She grew up with a father that was always there for her, never needed her to pick him up and dust him off, and now that it's happened once of course she would blame the person who made him stumble. And Kate was left with transposed imaginings of Castle in all the positions she had ever found her father.

"And I'm sorry that you had to experience that because of me."

Alexis look terrified. Her eyes were ridiculously wide and glassy with tears. Her nose was slightly red from crying and it was causing her skin to look like fine porcelain in the shadows of the room. Kate stood slightly panting after her admission, staring at the girl pausing before she continued so that Alexis could process everything that Kate had screamed at her.

"I am trying, Alexis," the tears had started and her voice was deeper with regret and shame, "I am trying to be a good wife, a better friend, a mother-esque figure to you, but then this—," she flourished her hands down to her body. Trying to convey how much she resented herself for the death of her baby. "this _loss_ has ruined me, ruined what I was trying to become, and I don't know how to pretend to be her anymore."

"I don't need you to be my mom." Alexis's reply was the slightest of whispers. Kate screwed up her face in confusion. _That's all she took from this?_

"I have a mom, Kate; I don't need you to pretend to be my new one. Maybe if I was still seven then maybe, but I'm twenty now, I don't need a new parent. And Dad doesn't need you to be a better wife, because whatever you were doing before seemed to be working pretty well, and if you could get back to that I'm sure he'd appreciate it." The play at off-handed sarcasm caused a watered chuckle to pull from Kate's lips. _Her father's daughter_.

"I could use that friend though, and in all honesty, I'll settle for someone who doesn't run away from their family."

_Their family._

_Her family._

_Oh, god._

"I'm sorry." Kate gurgled through a sob.

"I know you are, and I'm sorry, too." Alexis replied while wiping her face with the back of her hand. "I didn't come here to fight with you, or to yell, honest. I just wanted you to come home and to start to help fix us."

Kate settled into the other end of the couch, feeling a little bit better about being closer to Alexis. "I don't know how to let this go. I don't know how to get over death. It took your father four years of scratching and biting his way through my defenses before I started to let my mother's murder go, and I feel like nothing is going to pry me out of my hatred of myself for losing this baby." Her chest felt lighter just from talking about it. It still stung and a weight still seemed to be stuck in her chest, but it was easier to breathe.

"I'm here, Kate." Alexis scooted closer and offered her hands. Kate's gut clenched. Contact wasn't okay yet, contact was against her rules. She didn't deserve to be consoled and soothed through human interaction. Alexis waited patiently, watching as Kate's face fluttered through different stages of panic. She had let her father quell her tears just the night before; it shouldn't be this difficult to find solace in another person.

Kate slowly extended her hands toward Alexis's and stopped just inches from the girl's outstretched fingers. Her heart was thumping and a slow nausea was building in her stomach. Her breath was coming out in pants and her face was strained almost in agony.

"Kate," Alexis spoke, her voice tentative and docile, "you don't have to do this. You're not going to hurt my feelings if you don't take my hands." Relief seeped through Kate's chest as she curled her legs and arms back into herself. "It'll just be something else we work on, okay?"

Kate shook her head and closed her eyes. Things were quiet for a few minutes. The words that had echoed through the house seemed to settle into the two woman's hearts and they both took a moment to calm themselves.

Kate finally broke the silence. "I didn't leave him," she stated through a sniffle. Alexis furrowed her brow in confusion, but before she could ask, Kate clarified. "Well, I left the loft, to get away. To come here and think and clear my head. Everything at home reminds me of the baby and then you're dad and I said some things we both didn't mean." _My family, uh it still hurt_.

"What I'm trying to say, Alexis is that I wasn't going to divorce your father. When I stormed out the other day all I took with me were some clothes that I stuffed in a duffle. My wedding ring was left on the dresser and my watch and necklace are by the sink in the bathroom. The entire time I've been here I've felt like my soul has been missing pieces, and I wanted to thank you for bringing one of those piece back to me." Kate finished with a bashful murmur.

Alexis's face was bright red from embarrassment and her mouth was slightly hanging open. "Kate, I'm so sorry! Gram and I assumed—oh my gosh I'm such an idiot! I didn't even see your other things in the room. I'm just used to people leaving. I'm so—uh, I'm so stupid." She buried her face in her hands and wriggled her head to hide behind her hair. Kate chuckled and stood up from the couch, making her way to the stairs.

"You're fine, you're not stupid, we fixed it and as soon as I grab my duffle bag we'll go try and fix your dad, too."

* * *

It was a lot easier for Kate to say she was going to fix something than to face her problems and actually fix them. She stepped back into the loft and was met with a rigid silence. Alexis followed close behind and they both stopped in the entryway when they realized they weren't going to be greeted by the man of the house.

"Gram must have left. She can't really deal with dad sulking for too long." Alexis threw out as Kate made her way further into the dim loft, the setting sun casting long shadows across the living room.

"That's fine. I really just have to talk to your father anyway." Kate quietly replied, her nerve leaving her and her flight instinct engaged. She chewed on her bottom lip as she looked over at Alexis and the younger girl returned the concerned stare with an optimistic smile.

"You'll be fine, Kate. He loves you, and if anyone can reach him it's you. Just be truthful in your statements and honest about your feelings and you'll both work it out." Alexis offered as she grabbed her laptop case off of the kitchen island barstool. "I'm going back to the dorm. If you need me call, okay?"

Kate smiled and nodded, wishing she felt comfortable enough to hug her step daughter before she left. "Thank you so much, Alexis. You and your grandmother mean the world to me, please don't ever forget that."

Alexis smiled, "Promise," and the door clicked as she walked out of the loft.

Kate turned and faced the office door, cracked her neck, and loosened her shoulders. Turning the knob, she stepping into the darkened room. The curtains had been drawn and the last remnants of twilight found no home in the darkness that had become Castle's brooding room. Broken and upturned items were strewn across the floor. Books from his shelves seemed to have been swiped in anger while picture frames and smaller office supplies were smashed and cracked. Kate trudged across the glass and bits of metal, not finding Castle in the office, and made her way toward their bedroom. Her foot smacked into a toppled empty glass scotch bottle, topper missing. Kate gulped and proceeded into the darker part of the loft.

There was no light in the bedroom either, all of the curtains were closed, but the scotch smell was overpowering. _Did he bathe in it?_ Kate squinted in the darkness and could make out a huddled mass on their bed. He had bundled himself in all of the blankets and seemed to be sleeping off his drinking binge. Kate stepped farther into the room and hissed as she stepped on the shattered remains of his scotch glass. Her sound caused him to stir and react to her presence.

"Get out, Alexis. I'll be—I'll be fine, just leave me alone for a bit." His speech was surprisingly articulate if only the smallest bit sloppy. He must have spilled more scotch than he drank.

"Castle," Kate breathed and the lump that was her husband seemed to cringe at her voice.

"Kate, you came back." It wasn't a question. He seemed to find her return superfluous and wouldn't add any dynamics to his tone.

"Castle, we need to talk. Please, I need—,"

"You left me." Another hallowed statement. His words seemed to hold no feeling, and as he slowly unwrapped himself from the blankets and stood up dread began to flood Kate's heart.

"Yes, I did, but I'm back and I want to talk this through." She was begging.

He didn't reply right away. He just stood at the end of their bed, slightly swaying with his drunkenness. A solid two minutes of complete silence. A gruff bark finally issued from his lips, "Get out, Kate. I can't—I can't do this." He turned from her and made to go back to his blankets. Kate took in a stuttered breath and held her ground.

"Rick," he stopped as her pleading tone pieced his drunken haze. She hadn't called him by his first name since the poker game almost three weeks ago. "Don't you dare give up on me, because I can't do this without you. I can't move on from my miscarriage without you holding my hand telling me everything is going to be okay."

Her body was trembling, but she held the tears at bay. She didn't want to cry anymore. She had shed enough tears for a life time.

Castle finally turned and made his way to the end of the bed, head down, hair all mussed and in his face. "Fine, Kate." He sat down and hunched over, elbows finding a home on his upper thighs and his hands clasped together as he stared her down with empty eyes.

"Let's talk."

**Author's Note: Ahh, done! These little cliffhangers are really fun to write! You guys, thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see a new email and I can't describe how amazing it is to see it's a review, a fav, or a follow. The words I use can't appropriately encapsulate the elation. **

**Let me know what you think of this chapter. It's un-beta'd so I'm a little freaked out. I'd love love love to hear from you.**

**-Liz**


	13. Chapter 13- No Holds Barred

Chapter 13- No Holds Barred

**Let us continue. . .**

This isn't how Kate wanted to do this. Not while his eyes held a drunken listlessness to them, and the room still permeated with the dizzying smell of spilt scotch. He sat perched on the end of the bed, waiting impatiently for her to begin talking, almost daring her to open her mouth.

"Castle—" she got one word out before he interrupted her.

"It's back to Castle now, huh?" His question was dripping with malice. She took a physical step back and winced as the cut in her foot throbbed. _Wound to the foot and a stab to the heart, how fitting_.

"Fine, Rick, I'm not sure it's wise to have this conversation when you're drunk. I want—I _need_ to talk to you," she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't cry. Stop it, stop it, STOP IT! "but not when you're like this." Her face was contorting into a grimace from trying not to break into heaving sobs.

His eyes bore into her at her utterance. It was so bizarre not being able to read him and it caused an uneasiness to condense in her stomach. He was an open book to her querying mind, but as she trembled before him, raw and reeling, she saw nothing of _her_ Castle radiating from his destitute eyes. This man before her seemed to be nothing more than a shallow husk of the goofball she fell in love with, and it frightened her to know that it was her fault he was this way.

"I don't think I can do this later, Beckett." His voice was jagged and gritty. He was glaring at her, unblinkingly, as she set her jaw and kept herself from showing any emotion from being called 'Beckett'.

"I can barely tolerate your presence while I'm intoxicated. I don't think I can fathom even looking at you when I'm sober."

The world stopped.

And the dammed tears fell.

* * *

As soon as he had said it he immediately wanted to redact the syllables that had bolstered their way out of his drunken mouth. For a nanosecond they seemed tangible and, if he was quick enough, he could pluck his abhorrent words from the air before they leeched onto Beckett's heart and festered there. The shattered look on her face, the crystalline tears that pooled and fell from her haunted hazel eyes, they almost broke him from his hellish rage. He had been mulling in it: the anger, the guilt and the sorrow. For the past two days he had sequestered himself from his mother and daughter to let the pain seep into everything he was. And now, watching her break in front of him, he almost wanted to smile at her pain, revel in it.

"You left me, Beckett. My baby is dead, you pushed me away; how can you even believe that I would want to talk to you?" It was mostly a rhetorical statement but he could see her mustering through her emotions for a rebuttal. _That's fine_, he thought as he ran his tongue over his teeth to try and bring an end to the cottonmouth, _Gina always said I was a better fighter drunk_.

He watched her eyes as her thoughts culminated a response. Her hazel orbs were swimming in unshed tears, and a redness added a slight puffiness to her face that probably would have had him fawning for her in any other confrontation. The tears on her cheeks had dried and left twin trails of discolored skin behind. He knew what those tasted like and, as he waited for her to speak, he let his mind wander to happier times when he was allowed to kiss her tears away.

"You selfish, asshole."

He had let his drunken mind wander into memories far too salacious for this fight, and wasn't ready to react when she took three steps forward and slapped him. His mind categorized the action in two separate instances and he was definitely blaming it on the booze. First he heard it: the confident steps forward and the wind rushing toward the left side of his face; the crack of the skin-on-skin collision as she caused his head to turn and his ear to ring. Second, he felt it, although delayed. He spent a good two seconds not fully digesting what had caused his eyes to shift from Beckett's to the floor. The pain stung through the side of his jaw finally alerting him to what had happened. He delicately worked his jaw and ran his fingers over the pained area. _What the hell was she thinking?_

"Did you just hit me?!" He was slightly stunned and his brain felt like it was sloshing in his skull.

"Yes, Castle I did and I'll do it again." She was almost screaming. Her chest was heaving and her hands were trembling with adrenaline and anxiety. "You don't ever get to pull the 'I lost _MY_ baby' card EVER again! Ever, Castle. You have no idea—" she was sobbing, and had paused while she hyperventilated and brought her hands up to cover her face. Castle took his chance.

"I did lose MY baby, Beckett!" He was bellowing now and had stood up pointing his finger into his chest. She had dropped one of her hands to cling to her side while the other was still covering her mouth muffling her cries. "I lost my baby when your body fucked me over!" He ended his tirade by jabbing his finger into her sternum.

Kate stumbled backwards and caught her balance. Fury boiled behind her irises and she used her slightly crouched position to piston off her powerful legs and push him away.

"DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH ME AGAIN!" Kate boomed as she back stepped away from him as he found himself struggling to stay on his feet. "You have no right! None, do you hear me! You don't get to touch me and you don't get to blame me! I didn't do this—I would never—I could never—".

Castle stood watching her disintegrate into herself. His fury seemed to be abating as he watched his wife sink to the floor and scoot back to the wall, bringing her legs up to hide behind as she gratuitously howled into her hands. It wasn't her fault, and he _knew_ that! His brain was warring again. He wanted to go to her, to grovel and beg for mercy, to wrap her in his arms and shelter her from his own words. His haze was lifting, and the more sober he became the more he realized he couldn't stay angry. Anger was just his outlet for his depression, and he had taken it out on the only other person who knew exactly what he was going through.

_Fuck_.

* * *

Everything hurt. Her heart, her mind, her soul: it all burned in a retching blaze. _How could he say those things_, she thought. _It's not my fault. It's not my fault!_ She had pressed herself between the wall and the dresser as she wallowed into her hands. She wanted to disappear; to be back at her dad's cabin where she was safe away from the creature that called himself Castle. She flinched when she heard him move towards her. She wasn't afraid of him physically, he would never hurt her, but she couldn't take any more torment to her psyche. She couldn't take any more of his allegations and accusations.

"Don't-don't-don't," Kate sobbed into her quaking hands as he knelt down beside her, cringing away from his approach. "I can't, Castle. I can't fight anymore."

"I'm sorry."

They both said it, hers on a delicate whisper while his on an unsteady tongue. Kate brought her eyes up from behind her hands and met his softening blues. There he was, her Castle: eyes so full of love and despair that it caused another pang in her heart. He was so close to her she could smell the scotch and sweat on his body, and he was holding out his hand waiting for an invitation to cup her cheek. There was no uneasiness or pressure that had come to follow such gestures and she took it as a sign that they had past some hurdle.

Her lip was still trembling and her throat bobbed as he pressed his warm palm to her tear stained face. His touch was like a balm to her diseased wounds and Kate's eyes flutter close at the contact.

"Kate, I'm so sorry," he murmurs as his forehead gently rests against hers causing her breathing to slow and her pulse to come down from its staccato rhythm.

She waited a minute, letting their skin just touch before she responded. "You were right, Rick. It's my body—it's my fault. She's gone, our little girl." The tears were silent this time, slipping through like death in the night.

Rick pulled away from her and cupped her face with both hands while his thumbs wiped away the treacherous drops. "No, no, Kate, no. I was so—you could never be responsible for this. I'm sorry." His eyes were swimming now as his apology left his lips.

He brought Kate closer to himself and wrapped her in his arms, burrowing his nose in her hair and tracing his palms along her spine. Kate still had her arms clasped in front of her, knuckles white against her lips. She slowly unfurled her arms and ran them under Castle's and around to his shoulders bringing her closer to his body. Her forehead rested at his clavicle and she nuzzled into his dirty t-shirt allowing the tears to continue. She was still emotional and furious with the man clutching her, but if anyone could make it out of the darkness it was them.

They still had things to talk about, issues to discuss, problems to solve, and decisions to make. But for the first time since the loss of her little girl, Kate felt a spark of hope, and it was that hope that would bring them out of the woods and into the light.

**Author's Note: Gaaah, angry Castle is hard to write! There are so few references in the show to go off of so I kind of stuck with Target and Always. Let me know what you think! I really hope I did my building crescendo justice.**

**I've got quite a bit of this story left, so be prepared for more twists and turns.**

**-Liz**


	14. Chapter 14-Burnt Bridges Hold no Support

Chapter 14—Burnt Bridges Hold no Support

Castle held her.

He almost felt like he was squeezing her too tight, but with her warm body finally around his, and her scent filling his muddled brain there was no way he was letting her go. She had started to hiccup and shake into his shirt and he brought his hand up to cradle the back of her head. Kate stilled as he began rubbing the back of her neck and running his fingers through her hair. He had missed this: physically holding her. She soothed him with her solid presence, and he closed his eyes to the world so that all of his senses were engulfed by Kate.

And then she kissed him.

His body stilled, hand awkwardly paused in the middle of her chestnut locks as she placed small kisses along his clavicle. His blood surged in his veins as her lips continued their march up along his throat, and when he gulped, she kissed the bob of his Adam's apple. His eyes were still closed. Her kisses were so light that he dare not open his eyes; even if this was just a phantom memory he didn't want her to stop. She had ghosted her lips across the underside of his jaw when he felt her push against his body. He still didn't move; his brain still sluggish in its quasi-drunken state. Kate finally pushed her upper body against his chest, her breasts flattening against him as her lips found his ear.

Her breath was warm against his flesh and her words caused his body to ache, "Touch me, Castle."

He was still reeling from their fight and their confessions that it didn't click right away what she was requesting—maybe it was the scotch, too. He startled away from her mouth when the words finally clicked and looked her in the eyes. They were still red from the tears from their verbal barrage. He had said such terrible things, and she had defended herself out of necessity. They were still bleeding from their battle, sex was the last place they should go. He knew they needed time to process and rehabilitate, but the darkness in Kate's eyes was consuming, and the desire of her flesh was tantalizing.

"You told me I couldn't touch you anymore, Beckett." His voice had a teasing ring to it, a slight challenge to her to recant a part of her earlier statement.

She held a completely straight face and responded, "If you don't I'll take care of myself." Oh, that was hot. She had let him watch her masturbate a few times, he had wanted to see what she did to herself to maybe incorporate into his ministrations of her body, and it had been one of the most exhilarating things he had ever seen. His mind was now flooded with memories of her moans, movements, and her instruments of pleasure that she began to move away from him toward her box of pleasurables that she kept in her night stand.

Castle grabbed her hips and fumbled his way into standing next to her. She took his movement as a sign of affirmation and launched herself at him. He stumbled to the bed with her in his arms, trying to breathe and speak as she ravaged his mouth in her frenzy of lust. His words were swallowed between her lips and his queries were drowned by her tongue as she refused to let up her sought after pleasure.

"Kate—" he mumbled as she continued to assault him as her hands worked the bottom of his shirt up and over his head.

"Kate—" it was almost a plea, a begging cry for reassurance that this really was what she wanted and not some cheap ploy to try and fix them.

"I thought you wanted me, Castle," she moaned as she palmed him through his boxers. Her hand's sudden attention caused him to slightly jump and push away from her giving him enough space to look at her face again. Her eyes were dark, but there was no spark, no fire of his Kate Beckett. The woman before him was reeling in emotional turmoil and he really shouldn't take this any further.

"I do, Kate, I always do. You know that. We just don't have to do this right now if you don't—" his statement from his bleeding heart was cut short by his sudden disrobement and her tongue licking him from base to tip. His breath caught in ecstasy and his hands clutched at the rumpled bed sheets. She stood before him now, working herself out of her clothes and all thought of being a gentleman were quickly evacuating his mind. This is what she wanted, fine, he could deliver.

* * *

He wasn't going fast enough. He was trying to make is slow and sensual, and why couldn't he grasp that she just wanted to feel something other than this permeating darkness within her body! He was above her, his body heat soaking into her skin, as his thrusts measured a steady smooth beat that finally ripped a growl of frustration from her lips. He looked down at her, slightly confused, and he lost his rhythm as she pushed up from the bed and flipped him onto his back. If he wasn't going to give her what she needed she'd find another way to get it.

Her first few gyrations above him were accommodating to the change in gravity, but the flexing of her inner muscles was completely for her benefit. He filled her so completely that it was almost painful, and she wanted that pain tonight. She needed pain to remind her that she was alive. And with that mantra, she began to ride him.

She hadn't had sex since her surgery, and her core ached as dormant muscles pulled and flexed as she straddled herself atop Richard Castle. His eyes were closed, hands massaging and lifting her hips as she continued to work above him, breasts almost meeting his face. She liked the tug of her skin against her newest scar, and could feel the maimed flesh strain with her actions. This probably wasn't the brightest idea to start her reintroduction into the sex game with extremely violent and rough pumping. But she could feel herself begin to climb towards release and all of her previous quandaries seemed to dissipate as she continued her onslaught.

"Help me," she let out on a breath as she frivolously continued to fuck Rick. "I need—I need—". Her words were gone, but he leaned forward and caught one of her breasts between his teeth. He bit gently around her nipple causing a piercing addition to her near-climactic state. His thumb also traveled from her hip to her clit and was keeping an indistinguishable rhythm to her thrusts, meeting her almost on the off-beat.

"More, Castle. Harder." Her voice was barely a whisper, all of her energy was going into keeping her frantic pace. The incessant slapping of their bare flesh keeping her on measure.

Castle responded by pinching her clit and biting her nipple as she brought his shaft into the farthest depths of herself. The combined feelings caused her to sputter and cry out as her orgasm cascaded from her body and drowned her soul in nothing but blissful release.

Castle's body responded to her climax and her tightened muscles and released himself with a carnal grunt into her hair. She lay panting on top of him as he flopped back onto the pillows on the bed, completely spent. One of his hands was still tracing a pattern against her knee, but she brushed his hand away as she took herself away from him and got out of the bed. His eyes were barely open, the sex and alcohol finally winning their pull for his consciousness.

"Kate, come back to bed," he mumbled as his eyes drooped and he rapidly blinked to keep them open. Kate ignored him and grabbed her thin nightgown out of their dresser throwing it on. The cool material caused her to shiver as she sidestepped her way to the exit of the bedroom.

"Kate, where are you going?" It was a whisper, he couldn't fight his exhaustion any longer. She paused at the door and let out a sigh.

"I'm going to sleep in the guest room, I need a little space." There was no reply. He was already asleep in the riled sheets of their bed as she slunk off into the cold darkness of the loft.

The guestroom sheets were cold, and she couldn't help comparing them to her situation. Her body was still flushed from their fuck, her skin was on fire from him, and now her insides felt his warmth. But these sheets, without him, were still cold and lifeless. As she curled herself around the blankets, trying to get to sleep, she found little solace in that fact. Without Rick, she was nothing but cold and lonely.

**Author's Note: Thank you for being patient with me. I've had the worst/best month of my life and it's all very confusing and thrilling, yet disconcerting as well. Special thanks to Moonbeamsandstarshine for taking me out for my birthday brunch and helping me outline these next few chapters. You're the best muse I could ever ask for, and I love you so much. And another thank you to purplangel. Your constant presence in my life gives me great joy and unending happiness. Thank you for helping me through some things and for your fantastic guidance. **

**Hugs to you all, and kisses for some.**

**Liz**


End file.
